原来那，是心碎。

Heyyoo.. Too long didn't write or type Chinese words already, kind of strange to it now... Never let my Chinese teacher knew this. This will be an emotional and more on flashback post. I'm always an emotional person and I knew that. 

Last Thursday, the day that I've been waiting for finally arrived. It was a big day for me. It's SPM result released day. I was way too excited at first because finally I can get to see all my hard work being written on that paper. This was the best prove ever to prove that I'm hard working enough to get what I'm deserved for. Well, I was expecting 8A+ and an "A" for my English and maybe "A-" for my Chinese. I screwed up Chinese so much. I afraid that my Chinese will ruin my everything. Pray, and keep praying, hoping that I will at least get an "A-" for Chinese and I'm happy about that. Seriously, I never satisfied for everything that I have done and this was my first time ever satisfied about it. 

Counting down with my friends, my same-aged-cousins. Time seems to pass so fast. It's like in a blink of eyes, it's tomorrow already. Words can't really describe how I felt that time. Disappointed? Happy? Excited? It was like a combination of all of them. I'm so scared. My mum kept telling me it was okay to didn't get an "A+" for Chinese, but others, no excuses. My mum drove me to school. I was hoping that when I reached there, my junior perfects will inform me about my result (I purposely went late, so yeah.) But they didn't. On the way to registration table, I saw a not-very-closed friend started to cry after looking at the message from her phone. Oh shit, Why she cried in front of me? I was trying so hard to hold my tears and not letting it down since just now. I tried to ignore her. I found my gang, Ying and Pei Yen. They gave us an alumni form and asked us to fill it up. I realised that I can't even hold a pen and write because my hand was shaking so badly. I tried to control, calm myself down. 

Then I saw Crystal was crying again after knowing her result. I don't really knew it was a happy tears or not. I tried to talk to Ying just to calm myself down but unfortunately, we both were so nervous. Finally we were at the basketball court, I saw Pn. Tan. The exactly same situation happened just like in PMR. Everyone was hoping that teacher told us that our paper was not there. (It's mean you got straight A's.) I didn't dare to walk toward Pn. Tan. Ying got her result and she told me she was too nervous to see it. So I pulled her to the middle of the court and "started" to look at it. Unexpectedly, she got a "B+" for BM, she cried after sawing it. I was trying to comfort her but guess what, I started to cry with her.. (I haven't take my result la.)

People used to say "眼泪是会传染的。" At first I don't believed it but now, I did. We both walked around the corridor just to calm ourselves down and wiped away the tears. I cried so badly and I don't know why. Ended up, Ying had to comfort me.. Thank you lar... haha. 

I saw my Chinese teacher, Mr.Bong. He saw me crying and he was like "what do you get for SPM?" "...I haven't take my result but I'm scared of my Chinese..". "Your Chinese sure can get A." Because of that "sure can" word, I quickly sum up that I didn't get A for Chinese. OMG, I didn't even want to trust my teacher. I felt so funny after that. Finally, I asked myself to face the truth. I walked toward Pn. Tan. I asked my junior perfect to see whether my paper was there and she told me she couldn't see anything. Pn. Tan looked  (confused look) at me, and gave that paper to me. Damn, why she gave me the paper instead of telling me my paper is missing.... I got 8A+ as what I expected but instead of BM, my English actually got an "A+", But I got a B+ for my BM!!!! Hey, I got an A for Chinese.. I never believed that. OMG, it's Chinese.. But wait... Why BM? This question came across my mind now. Why BM? I had so much confidence I can at least get an A for BM but why does ended up so disappointing me? Suddenly, all my happiness were GONE! Disappointed so much. Why am I so unlucky? The expected people to get an A ended up getting a "B" but the unexpected people to get an "A", ended up getting an "A". Why I'm not the lucky star as well as why am I always so unlucky?

All my same-aged-cousin got straight A's except for me getting a "B+" for BM. Screwed you so much BM. Even though I got the most A+ amongst them but still straight A's sounds more nicer than all A+ but a "B". What can I do? I study so hard but ended up the result disappointed me so much. It's so unfair!!! Where was my hard work? Study until 2am almost every day two month before SPM and force myself to finish thousands over questions for most of the subjects but why? Why can't I get straight A's? Just a bit more to straight A's. My mum scolded me for this. It was expected that she will scold me. But scolding me for what? For not hard-working enough? Ohh please, I'm admit that I'm way too hard-working at that three months. Non-stop exercising and revising. 

I felt like crying but I don't want to cry in front of my parents. I don't want to let them knew how I felt. I used to appear to be a strong in-controlling-myself-girl in front of them and I don't wan to spoilt this image. Let it be, they don't even try to understand me. Fine!! I didn't want to talk to my cousin because of this. Yesh, I'm too comparative and I know it. But you can't blame me because I'm in a bad mood to talk to anyone. Sometimes I just hope I have a time eraser in my hand to erase this moment. My cousin tried not to talk to me about result, instead he kept telling me how cute fluffy unicorn are (I love fluffy unicorn so much)  and some other random topics. He wanted me to smile ( I knew) but I can't. 

我才发现，原来这两年来，一直在给我压力的，不是我妈妈，而是我自己。我为了面子，为了证明，无形中给了自己压力，但我却从来没有发觉。我害怕失败，所以很努力地抓着绳子往上爬。我不能接受这是个事实，但它就是。为什么？为什么最后一场游戏，我却莫名其妙地败了？我不甘心! 原来大家注重的，只是最后一场游戏，而不是前面几场的游戏。那，只不过是场热身游戏。。

亲戚朋友都纷纷打电话来恭喜我，说我考得很好，真的很好吗？我质疑。他们越是要恭喜我，我就越觉得他们在讽刺我，讽刺我也有坠落的时候。我很难受。SPM 这字令我很敏感。一提起它，我的眼角就湿了，原来我到现在还很难过，放不开。。不要安慰我，不要恭喜我，此时此刻，我只想一个人，好好地大哭一场。静静地被眼泪包围着，被它自由地灌溉。如果说这就是成长，那为什么他们却没有如此的遭遇？为什么就是我？我不要，真的不要如此的打击，这就已经足够将我打败了。我，真，的，不，要，了！

那天，婆婆对我说，其实我的成绩是在我同岁的堂兄妹之中最好的一位，因为我考得了8A+, 而他们都少过我。我听了很吃惊，婆婆是不识字，但她为了安慰我，竟然学会了原来A+ 才是最重要的。突然之间觉得她比所有的亲戚好很多。至少她说了句我最想要听的话。谢谢您，婆婆！亲戚们口头上是恭喜我，但在whatsapp group 里却说他们的成绩比我好。。口是心非，最令人讨厌。在我落难时，谁扶我一把，谁落井下石，我都看得明白。谢谢你们，我会学会放开的。至于那些落井下石的人，你们等着瞧，我一定会继续创造奇迹的。等，着，瞧！

Just realised that this post is so long.. Haha. sometimes I can't stop myself from expressing my feeling out here 'cause this is the only way to express my truth self. 

Gotta go. Will update more next time...

Next week presentations GOOD LUCK!!

happystarli