Reflection

I can't believe that I'm actually updating my blog in the midst of peak... Hmm maybe this is the only way for me to express myself, probably. I'm never good in expressing myself, pleasing others to listen to my complains, but I guess I'm pretty good when it comes to words. I always tell myself that write out all my thoughts, you don't need somebody to be at your side all the time. You are independence on your own. Write it out so that you can read it in future, then you can start to laugh at yourself being so innocent and naive in the past. Time will heal, eventually and you will start to forget, bits by bits, those painful memories are not that painful anymore when you can start talked jokes on it. That's how I tell myself everytime I cried, silently. 

Is this really what I want? Being fully occupied with my work and not having enough time for family, friends and probably love one? Is this the life I'm looking forward to? Definitely NO! I used to be the little girl that care more about my make up, starring at the mirror telling myself to put more foundation to make my skin look fairer. But what happen to me now, I don't even have the time to look at my make up, one big drop on my palm, pat it on my face and I'm ready to go. Is this something that I should sacrifice? NO, definitely. I'm here only for work during working hours, after working hours, I'm done, I'm seriously done! Not replying any calls and messages, not bother to look at my junior's works after working hours, NOOOO. That's what I told myself for the past few weeks. I should have my own time. Spending money on the thing I like, spending time with the person I want. 

I hate the feeling of "am I really not a good senior"? I tend to reflect alot, I overthink, most of the time. I pity my juniors for the heavy workload. But that again, I have gone through what they are going through now for the past few years and that earned me the title of "Senior". My senior don't even bother to ask me if I can finish my work on time or not, they just instructed me to finish and let manager to review. Am I supposed to change this culture or should I just follow the culture? If I changed, I will end up spoon-feeding my juniors and me myself will be the one dying. What should I do, I seriously have no idea. This parts are stressing me up most of the time, even if I don't show it physically. This stress is killing me slowly. I happened to wake up in the middle of the night thinking of my juniors can't finish his workload and I will be the one to blame in the end. My manager blamed me for not taking good care of the entire team and my juniors blamed me for giving them too much work...

What should I do? I am not good at leadership and I'm never good at it. My manager is building such high expectation on me and he starts to throw everything to me. When I told him that I don't even know how to do, then he starts to grumble. He did explained to me but the WORST thing is, I don't even understand what he is explaining. I tried so hard to understand, spending so much time to analyse what is he trying to say, but ended up I only get to understand parts of it. I don't even know how to tell him what I don't understand 'cause I can't start, there's alot. Seriously!

My junior has been telling me that he is going to resign soon, exiting this toxic environment, he is indirectly telling me that I'll be the only one that are going to clean up this mess. This MESS? I'm not the one creating it but I 'm forced to clean it up. I don't understand, why can't people just be more responsible toward their work? Why can't they just spend their time to do what they are supposed to do and not rely on anybody else to help him? That's what I told myself, all the time. "You are responsible for whatever thing that you have done". Am I being too "overly responsible", well, in this case, I think the answer should be a YES.

Leaving? Is it only you can think of leaving but not me? Pleaseeeee I think of exiting more desperately than you. After all, I think that I have more capabilities than you, in term of knowledge, responsibility and quality, I think that I'm way better than you. Is not that I don't want to leave, is just that I know when am I supposed to leave. I got that one last thing to learn from this peak and after that I'm done. But speaking of peak, I start to worry. No one is backing me up, no one is helping me out, I've NOBODY, seriously nobody. Juniors are not playing the roles they are supposed to do; Manager is not guiding me like what he supposed to do and I've no senior. Is definitely a miracle for me to survive. If I managed to survive, I will request to exit this mess. If and only if. 

If I didn't manage to survive....   please give me the courage to go