Yeol-eo jwo?

How do feel when you surrounded with people that don't understand you? How much do you wish to have someone beside you to listen to all your complaints? How much do you wish you can talk freely without care much about others' feeling?

It'll be much more easy to tell others to open up to you but it's harder for me open up to them. My housemates used to say I shut my "door of heart" when I first met someone new. I will pull off that cold look and I don't speak much. I tend to listen, tend to observe what would they do and come to a simple conclusion about that person. I judge people, based on their behavior rather than their look.

This might ended up giving people a thought that I'm that "cold-typed" of person. They might have that fear of talking to me 'cause they think that it's hard to find a common topic to talk about with me. I don't really know I've this kind of problem until we have a so called "first impression" session with my housemates.

Yes, I've to admit that I won't bother to talk to you at first if I think that you're not the type of my potential friend. What do you mean by potential friend? I don't judge people on how rich they are, how fashionable they are or how sociable they are, instead I tend to judge based on the feeling. If I don't feel good or comfortable with you for the first time, I won't, usually won't bother to talk or even start a conversation with you. If I somehow feel comfortable with you, then I will try to start a conversation with you.

Sometimes, I think is quite strange that some people I don't meet them often but still manage to pull off a topic out of nowhere and we still can talk for so long. But for some people, even if I seen them everyday, I still can't think of a way to talk to them or a common interest to talk about. When it comes to friend, there's only two choices for me: either talkative and funny one, 'cause I won't mind listen to their funny stories everyday or the listener typed, 'cause sometimes I might want to have a deep conversation with them.

Cold-typed of person?

Maybe yes, but to some extent. I did try to overcome this through internship but still, building up the courage to speak to everyone is seriously so difficult. I'm that kind of person that don't really know much of other thing except for entertainment stuff and so when they talk about sports or maybe games, I'll be blurring all the way till it ends. Car is the category that I hate the most. You don't come to me and tell me the brand and model of car that you interested, 'cause I might give you that "Can you please stop now" kind of face.

Growing up is all about socializing. How well you communicate with your colleague? How sociable you are? How knowledgeable you are? That's the part I suffered the most. I try to catch up but I failed, many times. I really really appreciate the life as a student. At least you don't have to worry on how to please your boss so that you can have your promotion or bonus. You don't have to worry on how much should I performed in order to secure my job. Student being just a student, get your pocket money, drive to university to attend classes and sometimes maybe have some fun time with your friends. You might hate the biggest enemy which is finals, but after finals, you will be given your own freedom for months. How I wished I could stay as a student forever.

I'm in my last semester now. Last time of being student and I really really cherish it so much. I'm currently having a dilemma of I don't want to graduate too early and get into the workforce but I don't want to study anymore... Biggest dilemma, I guess?

Perception

Perception? Mindset? I hate the words. I don't know why someone actually comes out the entire perception of girl should does all the house works while the only thing that guy need to do is to work and earn more money. Like seriously, there have been years that people demand for gender equality and yet that mindset is still stuck in the culture of our society. Girl should learn to cook, wash clothes and tidy the house.... I hate this mindset. Why can't girl and guy do the same thing? I won't mind to go out and work so I will expect he will not mind to do the house work. But the thing is, OUR PARENTS!!

Parent will gonna be the forever problem, like my mum. I would say she will be the most "WONDERFUL" person on earth that I've ever seen. I used to compare my mum with others, and I still think that my mum is the "BEST". She demands, she complaints, she criticizes on everything that I've done. I really have no idea what she wants. 

Since young, she wanted me to study hard so that she can going around showing off her daughter to others. I got "canned" when I didn't manage to score all 100 for my kindergarten exam. I only managed to score full marks for 2 subjects and she told me that I was playing the whole time that I didn't even pay attention on my studies. 

When I was 7, she wanted me to get first in class and telling me that if I didn't meet her expectation, she won't let me get into the house. I got it during the first half but eventually it dropped to third. But the only good thing was I still managed to secure a place in the so called "good class". Throughout the entire primary school, she will scold me whenever my maths result are below 90. Even if it's above 90, I still get the blame of careless, that's why I can't get 100. She expected me to score straight A's in UPSR that when I phoned her and said I only got 6A's, she yelled and scolded at me over the phone. That feeling was the worst. Every friend's of mine were happily sharing their result (same result as me) with their parents and all I did was crying at the corner and thinking of how I gonna face my mum later on.

As expected, I got blamed for everything. Not working hard enough and kept watching drama everyday. I don't understand, I didn't have time to even complete my homework everyday because most of my time were occupied by tuitionsssss. I didn't talked back 'cause I didn't think of arguing with her (what a WASTE!)

When I was 13, she wanted me to get into the Perdagangan class instead of ERT for KH. She got mad when I told her perdagangan was only open for straight A's student. Ever since then, whenever I've any KH assignment related to ERT, she will give me that "I-told-you-to-take-perdagangan-face". Do I have a choice to choose? She still want me to get straight A's for PMR and fortunately I did! I even felt proud when I got chosen as Best Student for KH-ERT. But when I told her, all she replied was that "piece of paper" was useless, what's the point of getting the best student for this subject? Like seriously, can't you just appreciate my hard work? All my happiness just gone, literally gone after her words. Ya right, what's the point of me aiming this award?

I worked extremely hard for KH because I want my parents sitting below there to get that "admire face" from other parents when they announced these while I slowly walking up the stage. I wanted them to feel proud of me, for that moment but she didn't even bother to care about that. All these, was just my imagination. Being a prefect, I got the privileged to watch every years' Academic Award and I just happened to see all the parents were extremely proud when their children getting all these award over the years. I was standing there wondering that if I've the chance of getting this award, will my parents be proud of me? Obviously.

Science stream or art stream were the most challenging part. I wanted to drop Biology from the very first place. I wanted to go art stream but she convinced me telling me that science stream has better future. She wanted me to become dentist or pharmacist. This time, I think I'm matured enough to argue with her. I told her there's no way that I'm walking on science related path in the future. I wanted drop biology so much that my result actually proven that I've no interest in Biology (Border of 60 and 70). She told me that biology and mandarin both were so important that dropping them will make me "stupid". And guess what she told my brother after that? She told my brother biology and mandarin both are useless subjects that it was perfectly okay to drop them! So who was the stupid one right now? Me?

SPM was the saddest part. I was pretty sad and disappointed when I actually got a "B" for Malay but I cried before gotten my result. The reason because I've been pushing myself too hard. I've received so much pressure from parents, relatives and even I myself were unconsciously giving pressure to me. That moment of tears were the results of mental stress plus pressure plus nervous from every part of me. I got blamed for weeks due to the bad result. What made it worse were both of my cousins scored extremely well for this examination. I'm so stressed out to the extend that whenever I heard the word "SPM", my tears started to fall and it took one year for me to "recover".

Seeing that all my friends and relatives getting reward for their SPM from their parents and all I got was the blame was soooo disappointed. They never understand how hard I tried to keep up my studies with others. I've to admit that I'm not type of person that is smart enough to understand everything that I've studied for the very first time. What can I say, I think I'm the hardworking type rather than smart one. BUT NO ONE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS!

So last semester, I had a wonderful exchange experience in Melbourne that I think I will did pretty bad for my exam. All I did was watching korean drama during exam period and even attending Halloween party in midst of exam period. Fortunately, I did quite good, even better than the result I got in Malaysia. I actually screamed in happiness when I first saw my result. You will never believe it, IT'S LIKE A DREAM COMES TRUE! I got 4HD!!! OMGGGGGG this was like a dream that was so far away from me but somehow the dream accidentally "followed" me home! When I told my mum, she was like, "Ya, no FAIL then okay ady!" I pretty sure if I ever gotten a D or C, she will be like, what the hell are you doing in Australia? Very SURE!! 

And she was joy over my brother college result of 2 HD and 2D. Kept telling me how hard my brother had worked on. I don't understand? You were happy because my brother got 2 HD and why aren't you happy when I got double times HD than him? You even treated him ice cream when I'm the one who loves to eat ice cream? AND I GOT NOTHING.... SO i should assume that your mind read 2HD as something good and all HD as something normal...

Even if I show these to my mum, she will deny ALL OF THEM. She will say I'm bullshitting all the way here. Of course she will never know how much hurt that she had caused to me. I remembered every single moment,every single thing that she did to me. I've a good memory and I've to admit this. Sometimes thing will not sort out in the way you want, so don't expect something, don't give yourselves a false hope. Nothing is better than something. I'm calculative at this "sector" because this is how I survived throughout the unfair and stressed out moment. I wanted them to know that how unfair they treated me compared to my brother. And all this is due to the word "Perception". Pay more focus on guy over girl 'cause your daughter will become someone else wife and consider as their part of family one day, not yours. I hate this so much! If you ever have that kind of "idea", please, don't give birth to a daughter, 'cause your daughter will have to go through all these shit!

To my future daughter, I promise you here, to treat you equally as other children of mine. I won't force you to do whatever that you don't want to and the most important part, I will reward you when you did something good and encourage, help you out when you ever need me. I will never have that kind of mindset so you're lucky to have me as your mother (kidding!) xDxD

Next or maybe next next post will be about my 21st birthday! xD Must blown off all my negative thought first before coming to the happy one =)

Happystar Li