It's okay to not be okay.

I like this word, very much. It kinds of speaking something that I whispered in my heart all the time, "It's okay to not be okay, It's okay to disappoint them 'cause only you yourself matter the most in the end". I always think that life is a storybook and we are the main actor/ actress. Everything happen throughout our life is something that god has already written in our script and there is no way to go against it, instead we have to face it, act with it. I don't know why I have this mindset but somehow this concept helps me to rationalise alot of thing in my life so it actually do makes sense. 

There is alot of thing going on recently and I found myself abit overwhelming. I am not as strong as what I thought, mentally. I have lot of thoughts running across my mind but I struggled to find the right words, the right way to express it out. There were times where my friends did offer to lend me a ears and I am almost close to expose it, but guess what, the very next second, I choose to escape! I don't know why I feel kind of unsecure to express all my thoughts to others. To me, I feel like telling people what am I thinking is almost similar to exposing myself nakedly, in a mentally way to others and that scared me the most. I don't have the habit of doing so or more like I've been suppressing myself from expressing my thoughts freely. 

All these while I have been asked to follow instructions, act with it and nobody actually telling me that I can or more like I need to express my feeling, the inner thoughts that keep replaying in my head all the times. The hectic audit life that I used to had have kind of shaped me into a person with poker face. I smile all the time that people around me start to believe that I am happy but only me myself know that, I am actually crying, deep down in my heart. I lose the confidence of expressing my feeling over the time that I don't feel like doing it now, at all, to anyone. I never know that I can actually walked up to someone and tell them "I can't do it", 'cause all these while they have been telling me that I need to say "I can do it". I need to be strong, I need to overcome this, alone. It's actually okay to not to be okay, it's okay to disappoint people, it's okay to cry out loud, it's okay to not to be perfect....

And this is how the story goes. So, I went for team building and I went for water rafting activity. I can't swim and I have a serious phobia to water. But, I don't get to have an option so I went all in. When the instructor briefed us on the rules and regulations, I was really really afraid, I am seriously hoping that there will be someone in the team standing up and say, I don't want to go and I would definitely follow him. But there was none. When I am right in there, sitting on the float, my mind went completely blank, the only thing I can hear my heart whispering was, "it's okay, you will be okay." But guess what, I accidentally fell into the river sometime later. The moment when I fell, my brain completely took over my heart, keep telling myself I need to lay down, I cannot stand in the water 'cause I might accidentally hit the rock later on. I had no idea how many times I told myself these and been forcing myself to lay down against the strong water current. I completely forgot that my hand was still holding on the paddling pad all the time which I was supposed to let it go the moment that I fell. In the end, I was rescued by the life guard but unfortunately my pinky finger fractured. 

My friend told me later on that I was really calm when I fell into the water. There was no sign of struggling happened on me and all these while, they saw me laying down and felt kind of giving up in life. I laughed, but I did not tell them that I am actually really really scared but I got no time to think about this, at that moment. I need to tell myself to lay down, I need to protect my toe nail so that it won't get injured again (I can never imagine myself going through the toe nail surgery again). Right until I was rescued, that was the only time I felt scare, really really scare, a sense of hopeless and I felt like crying but I can't. I did not want anyone in my team to feel guilty so I lied to them, I told them I was out of breath and I need some quiet time alone but I was actually sorting out my feeling and trying to calm myself down, mentally. 

I was sent to the hospital and only to find out that my pinky was fractured. I have a really mixed feeling when I tried to call my parents. What I want to tell them? What I want them to do for me? To pick me up now or wait till tomorrow morning? Or should I just laugh and tell them this is just a small matter? Obviously, I picked the last option, I told them it's just a small fractured and nothing serious. God knows how hard I have to control my tears not to make it scream down my cheek when I talked to them, how hard I try to sound cheerful and not make them worried but I am actually crying when I am calling them. At that point of time, I am really hoping that there is someone there to tell me, it's okay to cry, it's okay to not to be okay.... but..

Honestly speaking, when I was pushed into the operating theatre, I did cried when the doctor was operating my finger but luckily my face was covered with a cloth all the time. At some point of time, I asked myself, what if the doctor told me he can't make it, what if the operation fail? What am I gonna do? I have been living peacefully for the past 26 years and I think I have achieved all the things that I dreamed of in my younger days. I bought my red phone, red car and if you were to ask what is the thing that I still hope that I can do, I think it would probably be travelling to Italy, riding the Gondola ride in Venice. I dreamed of this place since young and I always want to visit them. If my operation failed today, if god wants to take back my life, I guess I am willing to? At least I have achieved the 50% of the thing that I want in my life. These are the thoughts keep popping up in my head during the surgery. 

Luckily that the surgery went on smoothly and I am back to the real world. Before I handed over my phone to my mum and get ready for the surgery, I received lots of text messages from everyone. I really appreciate their words of kindness and when I was going through all these messages for the last time, I was actually hoping that there is someone telling me that the surgery will be pain but it's okay, you can cry and I will always by your side. I think these are the words that I been trying to search through my phone but everyone is busy with their works so the texts I'm getting the most are "All the best, smooth surgery and recovery". I can't expect much from them, I know. It's okay if they don't tell me, I can always tell myself. I whispered in my heart.

They said life is difficult and I always agree on this. Life is difficult and what it makes it worst was, nobody telling you that you can do the wrong thing until you finally found this out on your own. It took me some time to figure this out and start to disappoint someone. I live a life and I want a happy one. I can't express my thoughts verbally, at least I can express it out via writing. It's a silent way of expressing bits by bits of the feeling in my heart. Honestly, I am not as strong as what I thought. I am a crybaby, I cry all the time, but my tears will only be between me and my blog. I feel secured to type it out anonymously. To me, this is a safe ground and my secret will not get exposed, at least for now. 

It's okay to not be okay, I guess this will the gift that I am planning to get for myself for this year. Live a happy life, try to and only make yourselves happy. 

Hapystar