Game Over

Its the ENDDDD! Finallehhhh, everything has comes to an end. I get to rest after like 2 years? And yes, is my REST time so I do not expect anyone to disturb me. Hahahaha. The feeling is soooo good. When you realized that what you have been stressing on for the past few months or maybe years finally gone, I can't really describe the HAPPINESS, FREEDOM and etc...

The stress started since 2019 when I was forced to deal with client on my own for the very first time. I knew nothing, seriously, NOTHING. I still remembered I kept looking at PY AWP trying hard to figure out a way to explain but I couldn't. End up, I kept begging client to teach me. I don't mind the scolding, as long as you are willing to teach me, I can take it. That was what I told myself that time. I have to do it, no matter what 'cause I got no one to rely on. No seniors, no manager and what made it worse was this was a second year client. 

Thing started to get worse when I knew that I am going to be the Group Senior-in-charge for a 17 subsidiaries engagement. I was so stressed to the extend that I started to worry about it like 6 months before it actually started. I chased my juniors for the status of subsi every week, forcing them to complete ASAP so that I can start doing my consolidation. The whole process was so TIRING and DE-motivating. 'Cause whenever there was something happened to the subsi, my manager will force me to resolve it on my own, and explained them to partner. Yes, I have to come out with so many idea just to get thing done. I'm tired, super tired. I told myself that this is the LAST, MY LAST ENGAGEMENT. Sorry that I quit after this, NO MORE. 

And that's it. GAME OVER! And I managed to get my supervisor title. Its the end. That audit journey has comes to an end and supervisor is the last stop. I don't want to be promoted to any position higher 'cause I don't think I am capable enough to be a manager. In term of knowledge and experience, I seriously think that I am still lacking in every and any way. I am not very good in negotiating fees with client, I am not very sociable when it comes to build and maintain good relationship with client. I don't, seriously.

I am happy that I actually get to progress to supervisor but at the same time, I am scare of it. The title itself is a little too heavy for me. How do you expect me to fight against the other supervisor out there? How? And what makes it worse is I'm only 25, what can expect from a 25 youngster? You can't be expecting her to deal everything on her own right since she is so new to the society. I feel like I'm a baby trying hard to speak on my own but I failed. I keep having that thought that how do you expect me to be as good as other supervisor that are few years elder than me? How? I don't know, I start to have that fear, what if I cannot perform, what if...

I spoke to one of my client that I am really closed to few days back, I told her my thought. She used to be an auditor few years back and she told me age doesn't matter, your capabilities matter. I don't think I have that capabilities as well. I think all the while I am just lucky, I'm lucky that I was assigned to bad team that allowed me to fully grown and learnt on my own. It was hard at first but its getting more and more comfortable after that. I am lucky that I have a not responsible manager that will push me to the dead end whenever something happened. Because of this, I get to learn to survive, how to resolve thing last minutes. Is this something good? Hmm the process was seriously PAINFUL but I guess I learnt alot?

I feel kind of lost, I don't know what my future hold? What should I do? Continue or exit? Of course I will choose the later one. That's a promise that I made from the first day I entered the firm. 

I think it's time to go...

Happystar

 Gemini

Yes, that is my horoscope but I always thought that I do not portrait any traits of it 'cause my birthday is just 3 days before "Cancer" (the next horoscope) and my mum used to tell me that I'm supposed to born few weeks later (from my birthday) so.. that pretty much explain my thought. 

BUT BUT, starting from 2021, I started to realise I did have the major trait of Gemini, which is "the TWIN". They used to say that Gemini baby has dual personalities but they don't show both to anyone. If you happen to be the lucky one to seen both, then maybe you are one of the closest persons to him. I did realise that I have these dual personalities...

故事的源头该从哪儿说起。。。

从这个peak开始吧！今年我学乖了，学会保护自己了，慢慢地发现自己那层彩虹的保护色。也许这个保护色一早已经存在，但它并不明显。经过那么多的磨练，那么多的伤害，它慢慢地develop了，慢慢地加强了它的防护能力。

我把我的两个engagements如愿以偿地交给了我的junior，在我预料之内，他就 每天埋怨自己的workload太多，埋怨senior可以休息为什么他不能，埋怨为什么他每个weekend都要工作。。。你凭什么埋怨，你有那个资格跟我 比较吗？你凭什么，你拿什么和我比？休息？去年我在挣扎时，你在哪里？我需要帮忙时，你又在哪里？你帮上忙了吗？没有，你什么都没做，躲起来，选择什么都听不见。我从你身上学会了这些，学以致用，在今年发挥得淋漓尽致。属于你的engagement，我选择装没听见，不知道，不明白。你一直缠着我，每天询问我怎么做怎么办，我只回你一句，你去explore就明白了，再不明白，去问manager，我不明白。你不死心，每个meeting都把我拉进去听，要我给予意见，可是我却把我自己mute掉，专心地继续我手上的工作，不要听，不要懂。我凭什么帮你，你帮我了吗？若你去年有助我一臂之力，也许我还能知恩图报，你选择了不闻不问，我也只能袖手旁观。

你向manager complain senior 没有帮你，这么无知的举动，也只有幼稚的你才会。没关系，我的心已经训练得刀枪不入，不怕你投诉，反正撇在心里是挺不舒服的，说出来也不赖。Manager 找我来对话，我告诉他，有些问题很简单，必须让你好好思考，好好磨练，我坦白地告诉了他，我不喜欢你从来不动脑子就来跟我要答案，然后解决了credit 由你 claim。我也不知哪来的勇气告诉他，可是我觉得我应该向他表明我的立场。我说了不帮就不帮。你必须为你去年做过的决定买单。天下没有白吃的午餐，尤其我是你的senior，我从来就没有说过我是君子，我必须承认我是小人，有仇必报，不是不报，只是时机未到。

He tried to follow my footsteps later on and hinting me that he won't be joining any of my engagements' meeting but I turned around telling my manager that he will only need to invite me (alone) to all my engagements' meeting. After all, I don't see the purpose of letting my juniors to join the meeting since they are not contributing anything. Unless they asked, if not I will not get them involved in anything. I have made up my mind, I want to, I HAVE TO leave after this year June. Whatever thing that they don't want to learn now, I will make sure they suffer on their own next year. I gave up, seriously, what's the purposes of pushing them so hard but they don't even want to learn. After all, I only have few more months left and if you want to learn then ask, if you don't, then explore on your own. 

When it comes to feedback session,  my manager actually asked me whether the juniors are ready to be promoted to senior this round, I was pretty shocked (on myself) that I gave him this answer..

"Is not the problem whether they are ready or not, but is the fact that they need to be promoted to learn how to be more responsible. If they are stuck at this rank, I can confirm that they will have the mindset that they are still juniors and therefore senior will have to cover them on anything. Nobody is ready or even born to be senior, they are forced to become one. Everyone will struggle and this is a normal process. When they have to, they have to. "

YES, I TOLD HIM THIS. Exactly, every single word. I think I have came to point where I am really frustrated about them. Don't want to work, don't want to learn and push all the responsibilities to senior. Your senior is not superman that can solve everything, they are human too! Wait till you become one, you will understand. I told my manager this and he kept quiet. I guess he was shocked when he heard my reply. Hahahaa. His concern is he doesn't want to promote them when they are not ready, 'cause in the end if they are promoted to become senior, they will have to lead the engagement and this is where he will get his "heart attack" from reviewing their work and seeing how they managed the client. BUT from my perspective, I would want them to be promoted because once they are promoted, they are considered as" senior" and they gotta act like one. They have to be independence on their own and resolve everything on their own. After all, I got few more months left, so whether or not they can resolve their own issue, is none of my business (I QUIT). 

My manager asked me stay for another year until he retire (he is retiring next year) but I told him directly I won't. Sorry to say that for the sake of my health and life, I won't. I have made up my mind that I gotta go, I have to go. I understand that you want to stay because you need me to lead all the engagements for the last time but I don't want. I am really tired to fight everything on my own. NO, I MEAN NOT ANYMORE. I cannot imagine working with you another year and this is the end.

Who will struggle next year, whether or not the juniors can manage the client, I will leave all to you. This is none of my business and I don't want to know. After all, once I exit this, I will change my number. 你怎么对待我，我就怎么回报你。你知道吗，世上最难搞的人不是那些判死刑的人，而是那些对生活已经绝望，不怕被判死刑的人，因为他们什么都不怕。办公职业也一样，最难搞的是那些对上司已经绝望，不怕你辞退他的人，因为你很需要他们，可是他们却从来都不需要你。。。

早知如此，何必当初。这话我送你的。

Happystar