The Year of Rat
Yes, that's right, the year of rat and I'm the rat. I used to be the little girl hoping the next "Rat Year" will come as soon as possible 'cause by the time I hit 24, I will be independence on my own. Pay my own bills, buy my own clothes, do whatever I like. But that is just a joke, a childish joke that I ever told myself. There's no such thing as do whatever I like. Just look at me now, I feel like a robot being controlled by my manager and juniors all the time and sometimes I even forgotten that I'm under their controlled. The feeling sucks, seriously.
Chinese used to believe that when it reaches your year (your zodiac year), you will experience so called "犯太岁". Don't really know how to explain it but it's basically a bad thing that will happen once every 12 years? I guess I have hit the bottom this year. I have experienced all the unlucky things throughout the whole year. Starting from being involved in a serious car accident right before Chinese New Year and that was really really my first time experienced this. Before I can even react to it, my car already hit on the car infront and I'm sandwiched between a big car (I'm really bad in naming the car model) and a lorry. I was so shocked that I don't even know how to react. My car was badly damaged and I was forced to skip work for the entire day. And and what made it worse was I was actually the senior-in-charge for that engagement, which meant that skipping a day would make alot of difference.
Next, all of the supervisors in my team LEFT after getting their bonus. They did lead few jobs before this but after they left, these jobs were passed to me, ALONE. I tried to reach out to my manager telling him I can't handle 4 engagements at a time but all he said was "What to do, you have to do". What a CRAP! I have to do, I have to do, I have to do. Yes I know, I have to do but I did asked one of my juniors to help out on drafting the accounts but he did NOTHING. Seriously nothing! I'm telling you I'm fighting everything on my own and I have no one to back me up. The feeling is so so terrible that I would never ever ever want to experience again. Slept at 4am every day and struggling to wake up at 7am the very next day. I felt like dying and sometimes these pressure have caused me insomnia problem, for months. I cried everyday, every night, silently, to express my fear, my anger and the pain. I have experienced serious gastric and insomnia problem because of work. Sometimes I feel like I can't really breathe anymore, this mental stress is eating up every bits of me.
Third, the COVID issue and this issue is creating lots of problem. Because of this, we were forced to work from home for months and that was the most "darkest" months in my entire life. Obviously work from home meaning that I would have to standby 24/7 and I would need to work for longer hours because I have so many deadline to meet. Meeting, conference call and skype call every single day with my manager and partner just to resolve every single issues so that we are able to meet the deadline. I seriously did not mind to work overtime but I really hate the feeling of I work so hard but in the end my manager still put the blame on me saying that I did not put any effort on my own. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I NEED TO "BRAINWASH" MYSELF TO STAY CALM WHEN I FACE THE ALL THE ISSUES? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE FEAR OF NOBODY TO RELY OR ASK ON? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? NOOO, and all you did were to jump to a conclusion saying that I did not put any effort. Now justify to me, which part I did not put effort? When I asked you something, you told me you don't know, then how do you want me to do? If you as a manager don't even know how to do, then please don't expect too much from your staff. You're seriously too demanding. What if this scenario happen to your son, how do you feel as a father? TELL ME HOW!
Forth, my junior's problem. So, I have this very special junior that does not even want to do anything but he demands for good rating and good feedback. Do you think this makes any sense? NO, definitely NO. Sorry that I take feedback seriously. When I asked him for help, he turned around saying that I have transferred my debt to him, why not you define to me what do you mean by "transferring the debt"? Are you trying to say you are not supposed to help me out on anything or you are not supposed to do this? Say it to my face, which one? For whatever choice you pick today, bear that in your mind and I'm going to apply this to your future. Remember, TO YOUR FUTURE 'cause I seriously believe that one day, you will need to experience this and that time, I will tell you the same thing. Please, karma do happen. So he basically did small part of the draft and I happened to take over everything after I managed to meet all the deadline for my other 3 engagements. Seriously, after months, you still do nothing? So what have you done for these few months? You deserve a scold but nobody knows. I happened to complain this to my manager but no action taken. Until the extend that I have a mental breakdown and I cried infront my dad saying that I can no longer take in anymore, my dad called my manager immediately and they have a talk which I prefer not to listen to anything. After this, this junior questioning me on did I complain to anyone that he did not do anything? Why not you ask yourself have you done anything? Have you help out on anything? Did you ever reflect? Stop complaining, start reflecting.
Fifth, you know when something big happen, the first thing they will say are: cut bonus and cut promotion. Yes that's what the corporate world should be. And I definitely cannot find a perfect reason to define that why can't I promote this round? I have experienced all these shit for months that I even scarified my health for this and you are telling me no promotion because of tough economic situation. Tough? Define please. Since when we did stop our work? From MCO until now, we have been struggling to meet all the deadline and our work never wait for us, in any way and every way. Do you think this is fair? No, nothing is fair. I understand this concept. Never, the world always rewarding the lazy one but neglecting the hardworking one, this is the rule so play it wise.
Please please. 2020 please get over soon. I have been waiting for it to over so desperately. 'Cause is definitely not my year. I beg for your kindness to please let me go, let me experience some peace for the rest of the months, please.
Happystar
