Nothing Much To Say
There are so much more to say, there are so many thing to worry on, but I just don't know why I lose the confident, the brave to express it out. Nothing much to say? Pretty much explained my situation now. I used to be the one that has no problem in expressing my worries, my fears either through conversations or words but now it seems like I've problem on both. I'm getting worse in expressing myself. I tend to hide all my sadness, worries deep down in my heart and pulled off that smile to wear on everyday. Sometimes I really wonder maybe I'm just too get used of this mask that I even forgotten that I'm wearing it. Why open up to others? Why stacking on my burden on others' shoulder? Why can't I just show them I'm living good enough just as what they expected to be?
That's the main reason. I've been living on others' expectation. Sometimes I'll just follow their expectations. They said I'm a little too obedient and that made me being labelled as "kid without any social life" but in fact I'm just too lazy to explain myself on why I don't want to do what they expected me to do so. What's the point of explaining to them when you know they will never listen to it? They judged you, they blamed you, why?
Because you are the eldest among all. That's what I hate the most. I hate it when they called me "useless" just because I've a really really serious phobia on animals. I can't touch them because I have that fear of them licking and touching my hand. Yet all of them still forcing me, pulling me to touch their dogs everytime they see me. I still remembered when their dogs "attacked" me (to them, the dogs were just playing around with me), I'm pretty sure I was not "under control". I was screaming so loud while trying to push the dog away. All of them saw it but NONE came to help me out immediately. Only after few mins, they came to pull the dog away. I ran straight to the bathroom. I bet they had no idea how much I wished they would just stop doing this to me. I cried so hard, my heart was beating so fast and I was shivering so "strong" that I couldn't control myself for few mins. It's not that I don't want to overcome my fear, just that I'm pretty sure I'm born with this, naturally.
"Because you are the eldest, so you are expected to do more than the others."
Saying that I've no social life? You are definitely wrong. I enjoyed hanging out with friends, I enjoyed travelling with friends. You know what, sometimes I just tried to be low profile. What's the point of showing off your everything in social media? Because I believe the best memories will always remain in your heart. Because of this "seniority problem", I got blamed often, sometimes I don't even know what's happening but I'll just take the blame. Blaming me for not setting a good examples for them, blaming me for not care about how others think. Okay, so who actually care what am I thinking? I don't show it that much but that does not mean that I've no feeling. Everyone can enjoy doing their own thing, but me being called just to help someone out. I don't mind helping others, I don't mind do something extra but sometimes, I just wish that they can have so called "rotation of duties". You can assume that I've no social life and I'm so not gonna explained it but I do need some own private time. I need time to do whatever thing I like.
I don't hope for the praises, I just hope that I won't get the blames. I've a really really strong bulletproof heart but it will hurt sometimes. I censored my words, my thinking very often because I just dislike the feeling of hurting anyone.
“再坚强的树根，也会有倒下的时候。再完美的画，也会有美中不足的时候。再坚强的心，也会有脆弱的时候。再宽宏大量的人，也会有发脾气的时候。”
Happystar Li
