Reflection

I can't believe that I'm actually updating my blog in the midst of peak... Hmm maybe this is the only way for me to express myself, probably. I'm never good in expressing myself, pleasing others to listen to my complains, but I guess I'm pretty good when it comes to words. I always tell myself that write out all my thoughts, you don't need somebody to be at your side all the time. You are independence on your own. Write it out so that you can read it in future, then you can start to laugh at yourself being so innocent and naive in the past. Time will heal, eventually and you will start to forget, bits by bits, those painful memories are not that painful anymore when you can start talked jokes on it. That's how I tell myself everytime I cried, silently. 

Is this really what I want? Being fully occupied with my work and not having enough time for family, friends and probably love one? Is this the life I'm looking forward to? Definitely NO! I used to be the little girl that care more about my make up, starring at the mirror telling myself to put more foundation to make my skin look fairer. But what happen to me now, I don't even have the time to look at my make up, one big drop on my palm, pat it on my face and I'm ready to go. Is this something that I should sacrifice? NO, definitely. I'm here only for work during working hours, after working hours, I'm done, I'm seriously done! Not replying any calls and messages, not bother to look at my junior's works after working hours, NOOOO. That's what I told myself for the past few weeks. I should have my own time. Spending money on the thing I like, spending time with the person I want. 

I hate the feeling of "am I really not a good senior"? I tend to reflect alot, I overthink, most of the time. I pity my juniors for the heavy workload. But that again, I have gone through what they are going through now for the past few years and that earned me the title of "Senior". My senior don't even bother to ask me if I can finish my work on time or not, they just instructed me to finish and let manager to review. Am I supposed to change this culture or should I just follow the culture? If I changed, I will end up spoon-feeding my juniors and me myself will be the one dying. What should I do, I seriously have no idea. This parts are stressing me up most of the time, even if I don't show it physically. This stress is killing me slowly. I happened to wake up in the middle of the night thinking of my juniors can't finish his workload and I will be the one to blame in the end. My manager blamed me for not taking good care of the entire team and my juniors blamed me for giving them too much work...

What should I do? I am not good at leadership and I'm never good at it. My manager is building such high expectation on me and he starts to throw everything to me. When I told him that I don't even know how to do, then he starts to grumble. He did explained to me but the WORST thing is, I don't even understand what he is explaining. I tried so hard to understand, spending so much time to analyse what is he trying to say, but ended up I only get to understand parts of it. I don't even know how to tell him what I don't understand 'cause I can't start, there's alot. Seriously!

My junior has been telling me that he is going to resign soon, exiting this toxic environment, he is indirectly telling me that I'll be the only one that are going to clean up this mess. This MESS? I'm not the one creating it but I 'm forced to clean it up. I don't understand, why can't people just be more responsible toward their work? Why can't they just spend their time to do what they are supposed to do and not rely on anybody else to help him? That's what I told myself, all the time. "You are responsible for whatever thing that you have done". Am I being too "overly responsible", well, in this case, I think the answer should be a YES.

Leaving? Is it only you can think of leaving but not me? Pleaseeeee I think of exiting more desperately than you. After all, I think that I have more capabilities than you, in term of knowledge, responsibility and quality, I think that I'm way better than you. Is not that I don't want to leave, is just that I know when am I supposed to leave. I got that one last thing to learn from this peak and after that I'm done. But speaking of peak, I start to worry. No one is backing me up, no one is helping me out, I've NOBODY, seriously nobody. Juniors are not playing the roles they are supposed to do; Manager is not guiding me like what he supposed to do and I've no senior. Is definitely a miracle for me to survive. If I managed to survive, I will request to exit this mess. If and only if. 

If I didn't manage to survive....   please give me the courage to go 

2019

这么快，一年又悄悄地过了。长大了吗？说真的，我的心真的长大了。它变得更能够忍耐更多的是非，更多的无奈。抱怨了吗？抱着抱着，累了，心累，嘴也累，不说了。说个还不错敷衍掉了，也就算了。后悔了吗？选商科吗？这是我永远都不会后悔的事。因为我无法想象自己往后的日子还要学bio, chem 和physics。这是我的死穴，也是我的天敌。

如果我说我从来就不是什么聪明的孩子，你会相信吗？如果我说别人只需要付出100 分的努力，而我却需要付出200，甚至300分的努力，才可以和他们一样，你相信吗？ 不信吧？因为在大家眼中，我一直都是个聪明的孩子。原本想努力地解释自己的处境，说着说着，心累了，算了吧，没有人会相信我的。听着听着，也开始对“聪明的孩子”这个标签给弄得麻木了。我不是承认，我只是懒得解释，免得在别人眼中，我又要被他们说我虚伪。

别人也许只需要读那一两篇，我却要读那三四篇才能明白。别人看着那数学题，就能提起笔开始作答，而我还在那儿发呆，不知该从那儿开始。所以我打从心里就告诉我自己，每天都要做练习，哪怕是同样的题目，也要练习，因为我也好想像他们一样，可以那么灵敏的回答问题。我是个学习很慢的人，我的理解能力不快，所以我时时刻刻都提醒自己，因为你不聪明，所以你要努力；因为你慢，所以你要有耐心地让自己好好的明白。我的理解方式从来都和别人不同，从来都很奇怪，怪得只有自己明白，渐渐得我开始告诉我自己，你要做个正常人，你要有正常人的想法。

慢慢地强迫自己开始去理解右撇子怎么能从左边看到右边，只因为我每次数学题出错就是因为方向的问题。慢慢地强迫自己却理解大家的想法，只因为我的想法从来都和别人不一样。因为这个无厘头的想法，我花了多少的时间，你们又明白了吗？一句“你可以的，你这样聪明”就无端端地抹杀了我的心思，你又明白了吗？

我很想解释，可是也许心真的长大了吧？算了吧，说了也没人信。渐渐的就开始不解释了，什么误会，什么委屈，能不说就不说，要不然就简略地说，没说重点随意带过。为什么去增加别人的负担呢？自己的都已经够了。开始学会一个人默默地哭泣，然后赶紧把眼泪擦干，不留下任何哭过的痕迹。

有时候都快崩溃了，真的不懂要和谁说？父母吗？他们能帮我解决难题吗？ 朋友吗？他们每个人都有自己的烦恼，他们告诉你了吗？那你凭什么去烦他们？同事吗？他们也有自己的烦恼。算了吧，有时候有些委屈说不出口就别说，反正时间会匆淡一切，也许过了一阵子，就不那么痛了。

怎么好像看透了人生，怎么好像明白了游戏规则？也许玩着玩着，就习惯了吧？

Happystar

Nothing Much To Say

There are so much more to say, there are so many thing to worry on, but I just don't know why I lose the confident, the brave to express it out. Nothing much to say? Pretty much explained my situation now. I used to be the one that has no problem in expressing my worries, my fears either through conversations or words but now it seems like I've problem on both. I'm getting worse in expressing myself. I tend to hide all my sadness, worries deep down in my heart and pulled off that smile to wear on everyday. Sometimes I really wonder maybe I'm just too get used of this mask that I even forgotten that I'm wearing it. Why open up to others? Why stacking on my burden on others' shoulder? Why can't I just show them I'm living good enough  just as what they expected to be?

That's the main reason. I've been living on others' expectation. Sometimes I'll just follow their expectations. They said I'm a little too obedient and that made me being labelled as "kid without any social life" but in fact I'm just too lazy to explain myself on why I don't want to do what they expected me to do so. What's the point of explaining to them when you know they will never listen to it? They judged you, they blamed you, why? 

Because you are the eldest among all. That's what I hate the most. I hate it when they called me "useless" just because I've a really really serious phobia on animals. I can't touch them because I have that fear of them licking and touching my hand. Yet all of them still forcing me, pulling me to touch their dogs everytime they see me. I still remembered when their dogs "attacked" me (to them, the dogs were just playing around with me), I'm pretty sure I was not "under control". I was screaming so loud while trying to push the dog away. All of them saw it but NONE came to help me out immediately. Only after few mins, they came to pull the dog away. I ran straight to the bathroom. I bet they had no idea how much I wished they would just stop doing this  to me. I cried so hard, my heart was beating so fast and I was shivering so "strong" that I couldn't control myself for few mins. It's not that I don't want to overcome my fear, just that I'm pretty sure I'm born with this, naturally. 

"Because you are the eldest, so you are expected to do more than the others."

Saying that I've no social life? You are definitely wrong. I enjoyed hanging out with friends, I enjoyed travelling with friends. You know what, sometimes I just tried to be low profile. What's the point of showing off your everything in social media? Because I believe the best memories will always remain in your heart. Because of this "seniority problem", I got blamed often, sometimes I don't even know what's happening but I'll just take the blame. Blaming me for not setting a good examples for them, blaming me for not care about how others think. Okay, so who actually care what am I thinking? I don't show it that much but that does not mean that I've no feeling. Everyone can enjoy doing their own thing, but me being called just to help someone out. I don't mind helping others, I don't mind do something extra but sometimes, I just wish that they can have so called "rotation of duties". You can assume that I've no social life and I'm so not gonna explained it but I do need some own private time. I need time to do whatever thing I like. 

I don't hope for the praises, I just hope that I won't get the blames. I've a really really strong bulletproof heart but it will hurt sometimes. I censored my words, my thinking very often because I just dislike the feeling of hurting anyone. 

“再坚强的树根，也会有倒下的时候。再完美的画，也会有美中不足的时候。再坚强的心，也会有脆弱的时候。再宽宏大量的人，也会有发脾气的时候。”

Happystar Li

Downpour

When this rain falls on my head
I’ll get all wet even my heart
Stay with me I still can’t be
In the rain alone without you

I’m still young, I’m still a bit scared
Though I know it’ll stop soon
I’m looking for you

Will it stop now? These raindrops, these tears?
I don’t want to get wet with rain
And tremble with cold
Some day, the cold rain
Will become warm tears
And fall down, It’s alright
It’s just a passing downpour

It’s just a passing downpour
It’s how I feel
After I met you, I haven’t lost
The happy memories to the rain

When the rain stops
Let’s meet again
We will smile again and be together

Will it stop now? These raindrops, these tears?
I don’t want to get wet with rain
And tremble with cold
Some day, the cold rain
Will become warm tears
And fall down, It’s alright
It’s just a passing downpour

I’m getting all wet right now
I don’t even have the strength to open an umbrella
But we know
Let me just cry for a moment
As I lean on the rain
So you won’t see our sad tears


Now goodbye

Will it stop now? These raindrops, these tears?
I don’t want to get wet with rain
And tremble with cold
Some day, the cold rain
Will become warm tears
And fall down, It’s alright
It’s just a passing downpour

It's the END.

Please, please stop taking my kindness for granted. I know sometimes I might find myself in the position that it will be "wrong" for me to say "NO" but still, don't test on my patience. I've limit. I do draw invisible lines for most of the thing and I take it seriously. Don't over-cross it 'cause I don't think I've a good temper (always). I might be the one smiling to you all the times but deep down in my heart, you might be the one that I criticized the most. As I said before, I'm not the good one (always).

Please do whatever you're supposed to do. Don't rely on us, or more specifically, don't rely on me. Yes, I care about my marks always, that's why I always make sure I get my works done on time with quality. But that does not mean that you can take advantage of me. Telling me that you don't care about the marks sort of hinting me that "you should do everything 'cause you're the one that cared the most". Alright, I do admit that I care the most but I'm pretty sure you still concern about your grades right? If not you won't be the one giving me that disappointed expression when Big 4 rejected your resume 'cause of your results, telling me that you will work hard this semester to make a difference. So what's your difference then? To rely on me to help you in completing our group assignment? 

I don't understand. You keep telling me that you don't understand the topic so you can't start the assignment. WOAH!! So you are expecting me to understand everything? This unit is all about marketing and you and I are accounting students, is pretty obvious that we both won't understand these. You argued that I took CB (Consumer Behavior) that you didn't, so I should have better understanding on the theory. If CB ever taught these, I won't be this suffered. LOL

Please stop giving me excuses. Start doing, stop complaining. Stop giving me thousand of reasons that stop you from starting the assignment. I'm pretty glad that this will be our last time being in the same group for assignment. After this, It's the END! Please grow up a little, be more responsible on whatever you have done and you should do. Don't try on my patience because I don't hope to "explode" before our graduation. I would like to have a happy ending. 

Don't over-cross that line because I'm not the kind one....

Happystar Li

  

Yeol-eo jwo?

How do feel when you surrounded with people that don't understand you? How much do you wish to have someone beside you to listen to all your complaints? How much do you wish you can talk freely without care much about others' feeling?

It'll be much more easy to tell others to open up to you but it's harder for me open up to them. My housemates used to say I shut my "door of heart" when I first met someone new. I will pull off that cold look and I don't speak much. I tend to listen, tend to observe what would they do and come to a simple conclusion about that person. I judge people, based on their behavior rather than their look.

This might ended up giving people a thought that I'm that "cold-typed" of person. They might have that fear of talking to me 'cause they think that it's hard to find a common topic to talk about with me. I don't really know I've this kind of problem until we have a so called "first impression" session with my housemates.

Yes, I've to admit that I won't bother to talk to you at first if I think that you're not the type of my potential friend. What do you mean by potential friend? I don't judge people on how rich they are, how fashionable they are or how sociable they are, instead I tend to judge based on the feeling. If I don't feel good or comfortable with you for the first time, I won't, usually won't bother to talk or even start a conversation with you. If I somehow feel comfortable with you, then I will try to start a conversation with you.

Sometimes, I think is quite strange that some people I don't meet them often but still manage to pull off a topic out of nowhere and we still can talk for so long. But for some people, even if I seen them everyday, I still can't think of a way to talk to them or a common interest to talk about. When it comes to friend, there's only two choices for me: either talkative and funny one, 'cause I won't mind listen to their funny stories everyday or the listener typed, 'cause sometimes I might want to have a deep conversation with them.

Cold-typed of person?

Maybe yes, but to some extent. I did try to overcome this through internship but still, building up the courage to speak to everyone is seriously so difficult. I'm that kind of person that don't really know much of other thing except for entertainment stuff and so when they talk about sports or maybe games, I'll be blurring all the way till it ends. Car is the category that I hate the most. You don't come to me and tell me the brand and model of car that you interested, 'cause I might give you that "Can you please stop now" kind of face.

Growing up is all about socializing. How well you communicate with your colleague? How sociable you are? How knowledgeable you are? That's the part I suffered the most. I try to catch up but I failed, many times. I really really appreciate the life as a student. At least you don't have to worry on how to please your boss so that you can have your promotion or bonus. You don't have to worry on how much should I performed in order to secure my job. Student being just a student, get your pocket money, drive to university to attend classes and sometimes maybe have some fun time with your friends. You might hate the biggest enemy which is finals, but after finals, you will be given your own freedom for months. How I wished I could stay as a student forever.

I'm in my last semester now. Last time of being student and I really really cherish it so much. I'm currently having a dilemma of I don't want to graduate too early and get into the workforce but I don't want to study anymore... Biggest dilemma, I guess?

Perception

Perception? Mindset? I hate the words. I don't know why someone actually comes out the entire perception of girl should does all the house works while the only thing that guy need to do is to work and earn more money. Like seriously, there have been years that people demand for gender equality and yet that mindset is still stuck in the culture of our society. Girl should learn to cook, wash clothes and tidy the house.... I hate this mindset. Why can't girl and guy do the same thing? I won't mind to go out and work so I will expect he will not mind to do the house work. But the thing is, OUR PARENTS!!

Parent will gonna be the forever problem, like my mum. I would say she will be the most "WONDERFUL" person on earth that I've ever seen. I used to compare my mum with others, and I still think that my mum is the "BEST". She demands, she complaints, she criticizes on everything that I've done. I really have no idea what she wants. 

Since young, she wanted me to study hard so that she can going around showing off her daughter to others. I got "canned" when I didn't manage to score all 100 for my kindergarten exam. I only managed to score full marks for 2 subjects and she told me that I was playing the whole time that I didn't even pay attention on my studies. 

When I was 7, she wanted me to get first in class and telling me that if I didn't meet her expectation, she won't let me get into the house. I got it during the first half but eventually it dropped to third. But the only good thing was I still managed to secure a place in the so called "good class". Throughout the entire primary school, she will scold me whenever my maths result are below 90. Even if it's above 90, I still get the blame of careless, that's why I can't get 100. She expected me to score straight A's in UPSR that when I phoned her and said I only got 6A's, she yelled and scolded at me over the phone. That feeling was the worst. Every friend's of mine were happily sharing their result (same result as me) with their parents and all I did was crying at the corner and thinking of how I gonna face my mum later on.

As expected, I got blamed for everything. Not working hard enough and kept watching drama everyday. I don't understand, I didn't have time to even complete my homework everyday because most of my time were occupied by tuitionsssss. I didn't talked back 'cause I didn't think of arguing with her (what a WASTE!)

When I was 13, she wanted me to get into the Perdagangan class instead of ERT for KH. She got mad when I told her perdagangan was only open for straight A's student. Ever since then, whenever I've any KH assignment related to ERT, she will give me that "I-told-you-to-take-perdagangan-face". Do I have a choice to choose? She still want me to get straight A's for PMR and fortunately I did! I even felt proud when I got chosen as Best Student for KH-ERT. But when I told her, all she replied was that "piece of paper" was useless, what's the point of getting the best student for this subject? Like seriously, can't you just appreciate my hard work? All my happiness just gone, literally gone after her words. Ya right, what's the point of me aiming this award?

I worked extremely hard for KH because I want my parents sitting below there to get that "admire face" from other parents when they announced these while I slowly walking up the stage. I wanted them to feel proud of me, for that moment but she didn't even bother to care about that. All these, was just my imagination. Being a prefect, I got the privileged to watch every years' Academic Award and I just happened to see all the parents were extremely proud when their children getting all these award over the years. I was standing there wondering that if I've the chance of getting this award, will my parents be proud of me? Obviously.

Science stream or art stream were the most challenging part. I wanted to drop Biology from the very first place. I wanted to go art stream but she convinced me telling me that science stream has better future. She wanted me to become dentist or pharmacist. This time, I think I'm matured enough to argue with her. I told her there's no way that I'm walking on science related path in the future. I wanted drop biology so much that my result actually proven that I've no interest in Biology (Border of 60 and 70). She told me that biology and mandarin both were so important that dropping them will make me "stupid". And guess what she told my brother after that? She told my brother biology and mandarin both are useless subjects that it was perfectly okay to drop them! So who was the stupid one right now? Me?

SPM was the saddest part. I was pretty sad and disappointed when I actually got a "B" for Malay but I cried before gotten my result. The reason because I've been pushing myself too hard. I've received so much pressure from parents, relatives and even I myself were unconsciously giving pressure to me. That moment of tears were the results of mental stress plus pressure plus nervous from every part of me. I got blamed for weeks due to the bad result. What made it worse were both of my cousins scored extremely well for this examination. I'm so stressed out to the extend that whenever I heard the word "SPM", my tears started to fall and it took one year for me to "recover".

Seeing that all my friends and relatives getting reward for their SPM from their parents and all I got was the blame was soooo disappointed. They never understand how hard I tried to keep up my studies with others. I've to admit that I'm not type of person that is smart enough to understand everything that I've studied for the very first time. What can I say, I think I'm the hardworking type rather than smart one. BUT NO ONE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS!

So last semester, I had a wonderful exchange experience in Melbourne that I think I will did pretty bad for my exam. All I did was watching korean drama during exam period and even attending Halloween party in midst of exam period. Fortunately, I did quite good, even better than the result I got in Malaysia. I actually screamed in happiness when I first saw my result. You will never believe it, IT'S LIKE A DREAM COMES TRUE! I got 4HD!!! OMGGGGGG this was like a dream that was so far away from me but somehow the dream accidentally "followed" me home! When I told my mum, she was like, "Ya, no FAIL then okay ady!" I pretty sure if I ever gotten a D or C, she will be like, what the hell are you doing in Australia? Very SURE!! 

And she was joy over my brother college result of 2 HD and 2D. Kept telling me how hard my brother had worked on. I don't understand? You were happy because my brother got 2 HD and why aren't you happy when I got double times HD than him? You even treated him ice cream when I'm the one who loves to eat ice cream? AND I GOT NOTHING.... SO i should assume that your mind read 2HD as something good and all HD as something normal...

Even if I show these to my mum, she will deny ALL OF THEM. She will say I'm bullshitting all the way here. Of course she will never know how much hurt that she had caused to me. I remembered every single moment,every single thing that she did to me. I've a good memory and I've to admit this. Sometimes thing will not sort out in the way you want, so don't expect something, don't give yourselves a false hope. Nothing is better than something. I'm calculative at this "sector" because this is how I survived throughout the unfair and stressed out moment. I wanted them to know that how unfair they treated me compared to my brother. And all this is due to the word "Perception". Pay more focus on guy over girl 'cause your daughter will become someone else wife and consider as their part of family one day, not yours. I hate this so much! If you ever have that kind of "idea", please, don't give birth to a daughter, 'cause your daughter will have to go through all these shit!

To my future daughter, I promise you here, to treat you equally as other children of mine. I won't force you to do whatever that you don't want to and the most important part, I will reward you when you did something good and encourage, help you out when you ever need me. I will never have that kind of mindset so you're lucky to have me as your mother (kidding!) xDxD

Next or maybe next next post will be about my 21st birthday! xD Must blown off all my negative thought first before coming to the happy one =)

Happystar Li