Just realised that updating my blog is like an annual activity for me. I don’t plan for this but it just happened that I will come here at least once every year, to express the thoughts that have been accumulating over the past few months?
I don’t know why everytime when I read back my older posts, I will cry damn hard, really. I cried because these posts are so disgustingly honest and they clearly speak how I feel, the truth that hidden deep down in my heart. I may seem like a happy-go-lucky person, but deep inside, I am actually a crybaby. I get hurt easily, not physical, but mentally hurt, all the time. But don't worry, I will hide it well that nobody will ever realise I am a very sensitive person. Ohh gooshh, I think I need to keep this blog private forever so that my secret will always be safe and sound. So yeaa.. very expected, I cried again today, when I am reading the older post and there goes the title of this new post.
It's 2026 and I am 30? I cannot imagine but yea.. I am 30 right now, even though I might not look like I am. What's 30 to me? I have no idea? I am still here, not a manager like what I afraid of becoming one back then when I was 25, I am still a normal person with a normal title, but I am definitely happier than 25, at least I don't work that late now; I don't on laptop on weekends for work now; I don't have anymore exam now.. I told myself when I was 25 that I will only focusing on myself, not the people around me, not the harsh comment they made and after 5 years, I guess I have done a pretty great job, except sometimes that I might have some mental breakdown moments but it's okay, that's life..
I started to travel, to explore some parts of the world, started to learn how to dress up and make up, started to capturing the moments so that I can re-look into them some time later. I turned into someone that I have always want to be when I was 25, a person that speak and live for myself. I started to ask question, to initiate a random conversation with stranger which is something that I won't be able to do so when I was 25. But after years of forcing myself, I finally get to randomly strike up some conversation, even though sometimes might be awkward but at least I tried yeaaa. I don't wait for people to tell me how good I am, because I can always praise myself after completing something big, awarding myself with a small gift. This makes me realised that, I can make myself happy, without having others to acknowledge that.
When it comes to relationship, have I becoming more mature? I guess I am always mature but sometimes I do hope that my future partner will be someone that I can fully rely on him? I do admire my friend when her boyfriend planned everything for them, and all she need to do is to tag along and have fun. I seriously admire that so much. I don't know if I ever get to have that in my future even though I have experienced once in the past with the ex, but somehow, that secureness is still something that I have been chasing after, like someone that I can completely trust and feeling so secure to not ask anything, just follow because you know he won't let you go wrong? Okay, why is this feeling weird but I can't deny, I would always want something like this? I am quite hard to open up when it comes to relationship because I always feeling insecure (being the middle child) and it really need some action or time for me to feel safe and secure, then only I am able to open up? I have this problem and I admit it. I guess for now, this secureness still not there and I am still getting the feeling that I will have to be the one that stand up and be involved if anything unexpected happen. I will still have to be one that keep forcing myself to think of all the "what-if" before making a decision which I hate the most. I would prefer to be a listener and just get along with the flow but..
So what's 30 now? I guess 30 could be a busy year for me since I am experiencing a different role for now but I guess the change would be good for me in future so yeaa... I just have to bear with it. And, maybe starting to make friends with the management because I am parts of them now? Oh nooo... Hopefully I can get through the entire process smoothly... and maybe get a senior title? Finger crossed!
On my 30s, I hope that maybe to open up a little more? Even though that is super hard but maybe trying baby step everyday? I do hope that I find my secureness in relationship so that I won't cry that hard again the next time when I read all my older posts here... That's hard. I hope that maybe I can visit the places that I dreamed of when I was young - VENICEEE!! I have been nagging my dad on this and he promised that we will visit it one day.. I wanted to go Venice so badly, I wanted to understand why it appeared in my childhood dream when I am totally unaware of this city, but I just vividly remembered the scene, the lake and the ride, so clearly in my dream. Maybe that was the hint, for me to find out what's my past life? A QUEEN..
2026 maybe a tough year for me, but I guess what's tougher than going through 4 years of audit life right? Compared to audit, maybe it's still bearable? I hope so.. Hopefully the next time when I update my blog, I can have some happy story to share about? Finger crossed! and signing out.
Happystar
