I don't know Anymore

I compare, most of the time, and I complain, most of the time (in my heart). I push myself beyond my limit so to meet others' expectation. I know I am a bright diamond and I will shine on my own, I just need a stage. I can play my own orchestra, act with my own script and sing a song with the lyrics that I wrote. Basically, I have full control of my own life, and I don't let anyone to ruin it just like this. 

Ever since I got into a relationship, I guess I just don't know anymore.. Sometimes it makes me wonder is this the right one? Or should I walk away again? I'm confused. I have thousands of reason whispering in heart to let go, but then again, I have only one reason to not let go, maybe I have invested too much of my feeling that I don't even realised? 

He likes anime, he likes comic and he likes all those robot IT stuff that I used to hate them to the max. And I am accepting them appearing in my life, I guess maybe the rest of my life that even my friends were so shocked that all of them actually asked me this. Yea.. I guess I have comprised on these. I did raised these to him and suggest him why not he just find a girl who likes all these and his life would be much more easier. I still can't imagine my future life would be having all these anime, comic and robot but I guess I need to keep telling myself to let it go..

He is an introvert and I am perfectly fine with it, but only to realise that he is actually very introvert that I would have to be the one talking and leading, most of the time. I hate this, I seriously HATE THIS SO MUCH. Honestly speaking, I wish to find someone that can lead me in life, most of the time and I can learn alot from him so that's why I prefer someone's elder. I keep brainwashing my mind, telling him that I can't expect him to be as good as my ex simply because he is just same aged as me. But I just can't , I can't stop myself from comparing and I know this is unfair for him, but if this thing is hurting me so much, sorry to say, sometimes I have to compare. I look at all the friends around me, their bf can fit into their circle perfectly, blend in so well that their gf won't need to make any effort to purposely help them to fit in. But to me, everytime I bring him to socialise with my friends, I have to inform them in advance, ask them to help not to make the situation very awkward, and I have to keep talking randomly in the gathering, just to make him feel good. I'M TIRED, REALLY! Because sometimes I don't even talk during the gathering but because he is there, I have to think for him, I have to act in that way so that it kind of heating the environment up? I don't know when can I just go back to be my original self.

They said that travelling together is the best way to determine if that person is the right one for you. I don't believe it at first, but for now, I think I might need to believe it. We went to SG last year and honestly, I was kind of shocked when I have to be the one that listened to the announcement on where to pick up our luggage and where to get all the custom thing cleared simply because he said the announcement was so soft and he didn't pay attention at all. Little that he know that I wasn't the one that paying attention to all these in the past 20 over years and it's always has to be my friends or dad telling me after that or I happen to catch someone randomly to ask later on, but I was so worried that we will missed any of these information, so that's why I pay attention to it.  AND I think I've guess it correctly and this is something that I want the most- that SENSE OF SECURITY. Honestly, I am insecure always, and I really want someone that I can rely on, someone that I feel secure to give myself into it. I know he is learning on this but I don't know if my expectation too high or he is just stationery there, without any progress? I don't know this anymore. After that, he said that he wanted to collect the metro card from some random booth and yea.. we literally walked the entire airport up and down just because he don't want to ask random people where is the booth. I don't know if he was too afraid to talk to stranger or just prefer to do thing on his own. I would believe he is more towards the later part but I'm someone who cannot stand doing thing inefficiently. Yes, I know I have short temper and I guess I have been giving him too much of my patience (for my entire life) to walk the entire airport.. Sorry to say this, but when I am with my ex, I literally just follow him all along and don't have to worry about all these but for now, I feel like there is a switch in role that I have to be the one constantly worry about everything, speak for everything, even the smallest thing and this makes me feel so insecure, really. Again, I don't want to compare thing but sometimes, it just makes me disappointed, at that moment..

He said that he would like to improve his English and I did suggested him to pick up an English book or listen to English radio channel every morning and yes, he agreed that listening to podcast is a good way. He did changed the channel for the first week, but then soon or later, it get changed back to the original one. I saw it but I am waiting for when he can just change it back automatically. I don't want to be like a mum, constantly remind something for him, I guess if this is something that at the top of his priority list, definitely, he will think about this all the time so yea, I guess habit don't just change in a short period of time, but then also, if you make effort to it, then IT CAN! I feel abit disappointed but at the same time, I told myself, let's just focus on me myself then. I don't know if these whole thing really worth my time to constantly talk to him about, but I know if I invest more on myself, I would be a better person that brave enough to make crucial decision for myself. 

The entire pinky-fractured-operation was the worst! Deep down in my heart, I was really hopping that he can just changed his interview time with the interviewer and accompanied me at the hospital in that time. But I didn't say it out because I was hoping he can just take a little extra steps to do thing for me. I asked myself a thousands times if I were him, would I change my interview time and rush to the hospital? YES, I WILL, AND definitely, won't even hesitate for a single second. I know my priority well. And yes, he ended up didn't turned up at the hospital. You know what, I WAS so so so disappointed to the extend that I make up my mind - to not allow him to accompany me for the follow up physiotherapy and yes, I live up to my promise- I don't allow him to come. What I was thinking is that if you don't even make effort to presence for the major thing, then don't, please don't make time for the minor thing just to make you yourselves feeling better. The scar is there and no matter how many round of bandage you trying to cover up, it's still there, a solid SCAR. 

I know it's his first time, but if you know your priority, you will make it right. Of course he did has some good thing - he is smart and know all the IT coding stuff, and and he knows about Kpop. But again, life is not about IT and Kpop everytime, sometimes sense of security means everything! I feel like I am at the T-junction of my life: compromise for the rest of my life or to walk away with it? I don't know, seriously. Am I okay to be the one that take all the initiatives and be the lead and speak for us for the rest of my life? OBVIOUSLY NO. I don't want to. I am very clear that I don't want to because I am also an introvert, and to become who am I right now, I actually forced myself out of my comfort zone and speak up. For relationship, I would prefer to stick to my original self, back to my turtle shell. Am I okay to accept that I would have to be the one that initiate all the trips and meet-up in future? For this, I am at 50-50 position but again, I would prefer to stick to my original personality. I am sensitive, I am insecure. Don't think that I am special because I'm just an ordinary girl that you will see and even listen from the friends around you. Whatever pattern that their gf's has it, you name it, and yes, I do care about it, but just one thing extra, I don't tolerance nonsense- more goal-oriented so I only focus on result, not the progress. 

I hide my feeling, sometimes, just to make thing better but I don't feel like hiding them for the rest of my life. What should I do? I don't know. I hate this feeling of I don't know what can I do for this. I wish that I am brave enough to decide this time. There are too many thing happened lately that my friends started to ask if I am okay, they sensed it, but not him. YES, THIS IS THE RED FLAG. And I don't know how to tell him how I feel all these time, how I keep giving in just to not making thing worst but I ended up messing up all my feeling. I HATE IT. Please tell me what's next? What can I do to make thing better? To make me myself a better one?

I'm still looking at the Chanel's perfume he gave during our 100th day. The perfume is still sealed in the original state, the plastic cover still there and I haven't even unbox it to use. Because I am too afraid that I might have to return them one day....

 

Happystar

 It's okay to not be okay.

I like this word, very much. It kinds of speaking something that I whispered in my heart all the time, "It's okay to not be okay, It's okay to disappoint them 'cause only you yourself matter the most in the end". I always think that life is a storybook and we are the main actor/ actress. Everything happen throughout our life is something that god has already written in our script and there is no way to go against it, instead we have to face it, act with it. I don't know why I have this mindset but somehow this concept helps me to rationalise alot of thing in my life so it actually do makes sense. 

There is alot of thing going on recently and I found myself abit overwhelming. I am not as strong as what I thought, mentally. I have lot of thoughts running across my mind but I struggled to find the right words, the right way to express it out. There were times where my friends did offer to lend me a ears and I am almost close to expose it, but guess what, the very next second, I choose to escape! I don't know why I feel kind of unsecure to express all my thoughts to others. To me, I feel like telling people what am I thinking is almost similar to exposing myself nakedly, in a mentally way to others and that scared me the most. I don't have the habit of doing so or more like I've been suppressing myself from expressing my thoughts freely. 

All these while I have been asked to follow instructions, act with it and nobody actually telling me that I can or more like I need to express my feeling, the inner thoughts that keep replaying in my head all the times. The hectic audit life that I used to had have kind of shaped me into a person with poker face. I smile all the time that people around me start to believe that I am happy but only me myself know that, I am actually crying, deep down in my heart. I lose the confidence of expressing my feeling over the time that I don't feel like doing it now, at all, to anyone. I never know that I can actually walked up to someone and tell them "I can't do it", 'cause all these while they have been telling me that I need to say "I can do it". I need to be strong, I need to overcome this, alone. It's actually okay to not to be okay, it's okay to disappoint people, it's okay to cry out loud, it's okay to not to be perfect....

And this is how the story goes. So, I went for team building and I went for water rafting activity. I can't swim and I have a serious phobia to water. But, I don't get to have an option so I went all in. When the instructor briefed us on the rules and regulations, I was really really afraid, I am seriously hoping that there will be someone in the team standing up and say, I don't want to go and I would definitely follow him. But there was none. When I am right in there, sitting on the float, my mind went completely blank, the only thing I can hear my heart whispering was, "it's okay, you will be okay." But guess what, I accidentally fell into the river sometime later. The moment when I fell, my brain completely took over my heart, keep telling myself I need to lay down, I cannot stand in the water 'cause I might accidentally hit the rock later on. I had no idea how many times I told myself these and been forcing myself to lay down against the strong water current. I completely forgot that my hand was still holding on the paddling pad all the time which I was supposed to let it go the moment that I fell. In the end, I was rescued by the life guard but unfortunately my pinky finger fractured. 

My friend told me later on that I was really calm when I fell into the water. There was no sign of struggling happened on me and all these while, they saw me laying down and felt kind of giving up in life. I laughed, but I did not tell them that I am actually really really scared but I got no time to think about this, at that moment. I need to tell myself to lay down, I need to protect my toe nail so that it won't get injured again (I can never imagine myself going through the toe nail surgery again). Right until I was rescued, that was the only time I felt scare, really really scare, a sense of hopeless and I felt like crying but I can't. I did not want anyone in my team to feel guilty so I lied to them, I told them I was out of breath and I need some quiet time alone but I was actually sorting out my feeling and trying to calm myself down, mentally. 

I was sent to the hospital and only to find out that my pinky was fractured. I have a really mixed feeling when I tried to call my parents. What I want to tell them? What I want them to do for me? To pick me up now or wait till tomorrow morning? Or should I just laugh and tell them this is just a small matter? Obviously, I picked the last option, I told them it's just a small fractured and nothing serious. God knows how hard I have to control my tears not to make it scream down my cheek when I talked to them, how hard I try to sound cheerful and not make them worried but I am actually crying when I am calling them. At that point of time, I am really hoping that there is someone there to tell me, it's okay to cry, it's okay to not to be okay.... but..

Honestly speaking, when I was pushed into the operating theatre, I did cried when the doctor was operating my finger but luckily my face was covered with a cloth all the time. At some point of time, I asked myself, what if the doctor told me he can't make it, what if the operation fail? What am I gonna do? I have been living peacefully for the past 26 years and I think I have achieved all the things that I dreamed of in my younger days. I bought my red phone, red car and if you were to ask what is the thing that I still hope that I can do, I think it would probably be travelling to Italy, riding the Gondola ride in Venice. I dreamed of this place since young and I always want to visit them. If my operation failed today, if god wants to take back my life, I guess I am willing to? At least I have achieved the 50% of the thing that I want in my life. These are the thoughts keep popping up in my head during the surgery. 

Luckily that the surgery went on smoothly and I am back to the real world. Before I handed over my phone to my mum and get ready for the surgery, I received lots of text messages from everyone. I really appreciate their words of kindness and when I was going through all these messages for the last time, I was actually hoping that there is someone telling me that the surgery will be pain but it's okay, you can cry and I will always by your side. I think these are the words that I been trying to search through my phone but everyone is busy with their works so the texts I'm getting the most are "All the best, smooth surgery and recovery". I can't expect much from them, I know. It's okay if they don't tell me, I can always tell myself. I whispered in my heart.

They said life is difficult and I always agree on this. Life is difficult and what it makes it worst was, nobody telling you that you can do the wrong thing until you finally found this out on your own. It took me some time to figure this out and start to disappoint someone. I live a life and I want a happy one. I can't express my thoughts verbally, at least I can express it out via writing. It's a silent way of expressing bits by bits of the feeling in my heart. Honestly, I am not as strong as what I thought. I am a crybaby, I cry all the time, but my tears will only be between me and my blog. I feel secured to type it out anonymously. To me, this is a safe ground and my secret will not get exposed, at least for now. 

It's okay to not be okay, I guess this will the gift that I am planning to get for myself for this year. Live a happy life, try to and only make yourselves happy. 

Hapystar

 也许这一切都只是一场梦

两年多了，我一直都在告诉我自己，这也许只是一场梦，梦醒了，一切就结束了，大结局了。

我曾经有那么一秒钟的以为这一切是真的，但在清醒的后来，我就告诉我自己，不，我不能是小三，我不能自私地毁了别人的一段感情，不能！两年前的逃避，甚至到最后慢慢地告诉自己，也许他只把我当成妹妹呢？他说过他如果有妹妹，一定会把她宠上天，所以我就不知不觉的认为这只是一份干哥哥对妹妹的感情吧。。。

一直以为一切都步入了正轨，直到知道他要离开的那一天，一切开始变得不一样了。我原本以为我可以装的若无其事，像平时一样的欢送他，可是我真的不知道他到底是怎么想的。。为什么在他知道他还可以见我的机会不多，变得那么依依不舍，为什么他要表现出他对我的留念？为什么他明明知道这是错的，为什么还要继续？我很乱，一时之间原本处理好的一切，怎么一切都乱了。。

我发现我原来很依赖他。。在被上司欺负的日子里，我和他就成了很好的伙伴。也许日子太苦，所以有了个合拍的工作伙伴感觉真的很不赖。后来他离开了这团队，在这荆棘的道路上就只剩下我一个人作战。原本已经很难熬的日子，结果变得更黑暗，我被伤的伤痕累累，试过好多次哭着睡着。我有很多苦，但是我说不出，也不想麻烦别人去聆听我的烦恼。可是不知道为什么，面对他，有时候不用说的太多，他仿佛就能明白，也许真的是因为他也经历过如此的遭遇所以他明白，也许是他真的同情我必须一个人抗下那么多的东西做。我被上司欺负，他会安慰我，和我一起在那里数落上司的不满；我因压力太多差点奔溃，他会花时间帮我理解我的工作然后再慢慢解释给我听；我说我会熬夜赶工，他也会陪着熬夜，虽然他也是在赶工，可是每次他都会催我早点睡，不要做了，只要我还没睡，他都会待着陪我一起熬夜赶工。我上司有时犯贱会找他投诉我的是非，可是他每次都会帮我在他面前说好话，维护着我。我的junior欺负我时，他也会帮我暗中教训他们。。好像在他面前，我什么都不能自理。是，我是依赖，我依赖这竟有那一丝丝的温暖来保护着我即将奔溃都心灵。我真的从来没有觉得这不对，但如今我好像觉得这好像怎么都不对。。。

他对我的好，我是知道的，可是我一直以为这只是干哥哥对妹妹的好吧，从来都没觉得什么稀奇。是，当局者迷，有好多不认识我们的人，都以为我们是情侣，他的 朋友也有问过他，我是不是他的女友，可是每次我都会假装听不见走开，从来没有想要认真听他怎么回答，因为我害怕，我害怕他会说出我不想弄明白的事情，我不想破坏他们之间的感情，不想当小三！他就那么自然地走进了我的世界，每天工作时间我们都会聊天，不知有什么好聊的，可是就好像聊不完。我对他的感觉就好像哥哥一样？我不知道怎么说，哥哥可是又好像不是，可是，我真的不想当小三！

还记得有一次，我们需要出trip去工作，他忘了带鞋子，便拉着一班人陪她逛街买鞋。当时大伙儿突然说想去另一家店看背包，所以都过去了，只剩我和他，他便拉我陪她去选鞋子。他叫我帮他选鞋子，可是我不懂男装，我说我不会，可是他却坚持要我帮他选。我记得当时的服务员就告诉我 “不如你帮他选吧，你选什么，他都满意的，因为是你选的！”我明白服务员的意思，可是我听了后顿时觉得 很害怕，什么？我不要！我看了看他一眼，希望他能帮我解释情况，可是他没有！！他只是笑笑的不出声，我看不明白，便对服务员表明了他是我老板，我替他打工的。

在剩下的日子里，他每天都在倒数着我们还能相见多少次，他曾问我，若他离开公司，我们之间是不是就不会再联络？我当时笑着和他说，当然，因为利用关系结束，自然没有任何理由，可是他每次都问我可以不要吗？什么是可以不要吗？朋友，还是会见的！不久前，我和他相约到公司做工，午餐时，他约我一起出外吃，然后就把吃什么的选择权交给我。他说我负责选，他只负责付钱。。那一餐，他请我吃了。虽然我一直想还他钱，可是他却快一步将receipt撕了，我不懂价钱，想随便塞个钱给他却被他狠狠地退回了。懂我的人都知道，我不喜欢别人无缘无故地请我吃饭，我一向来不喜欢欠别人人情。吃完饭，他就问我要不要逛逛商场，我也就答应了。逛街时，手和手的距离很近，我很害怕他下一步的举动，便时不时把手拿上来弄一弄头发。我不知道他是不是发现了，或许也是刚巧，走着走着，他就这样突然的把手搭在我肩上，把我整个人拥进他怀里。我很害怕，想推开他，可是他的手却一直搭着，最后我放弃了，任由他搭着四处逛。有那么的一瞬间，我真的好想这一切是真的，真的好希望他是真的，真的。看着路人经过给我们的眼光，我发现我可能已经不知不觉的喜欢他了吧？他对我的喜欢，对我一个人的偏爱，其实我都知道也看到，我只是希望他能够堂堂正正的给予我一个名分。

在离开的那一天，我回公司了。一直都很感谢他一路以来对我的帮助，我买了束花送给他，在把他之前借给我东西归还给他。有始有终，互不相欠吧。可是他拒绝了，他说东西就当送了给我，不打算拿回了。他叫我好好的用吧。我没有推辞，一心想跟他划清，可是他好像明白了，却故意让这一切继续纠缠不清。后来我帮他和他的同事拍照，他一直问我可以合照吗，我原本不想回答，可是又经不起他的追问，所以合照了。照片是用他手机拍的，可是我从来都没有要他把照片传给我。我害怕若我看到照片，也许一切就不一样了。。。人家说一段感情，谁是收藏家，谁就输了，这句话我好像明白了。我不想当收藏家，更何况是这样的收藏家。事到如今，我还是没有讨回照片，至于是什么原因，我也不知道。。。

在离开的最后一刻，你说很晚了，你可以载我去取车，让我上了你的车。在要抵达目的地时，你转过头问我怎么办，一切就要结束了。我不知道你所谓的结束是结束这一份工，还是结束了。我微笑带过，有些事情如果注定要结束的，就好好的结束吧！你突然把我拉向你，我们的距离很近，你的脸突然靠向我的方向，我下意识的用手推开你，虽然没有成功推开，可是至少我们没有那么近了。我承认那一刻我真的慌了，我害怕你突然的接近，我害怕我的心告诉我我不想知道的答案，我害怕一切会变得不简单了。。。你用手摸了我的头发，笑着对我说，头发很滑很好摸，我尴尬了，推开你，然后说了句再见就慌张地下了车。

再见是结束了吧？结束了为什么离开了我的心好像有点空。我开始怀念上班时有人找我聊天，找我诉苦，我开始怀念遇到难题时有他帮我解决问题，我不知道，我想念的是他的人，还是他能在事业上帮我的忙。我怀念我们嘻嘻哈哈的日子，怀念那三更半夜还在比谁比较迟睡。。。我真的乱了。也许梦醒了，现实是残酷的，在一次的回到它，是需要时间适应的。

对你的感觉，我始终不敢面对。有时候很多事情，说明了，也许伤会更痛，不明不白的，也许不会那么痛。谢谢你这一路来的陪伴，谢谢你给予我精神上的支持，如果不是遇见你，我想我应该中途就放弃了吧。以后的路我会好好走的。也许在那一瞬间，我们都有心动过，可是在梦醒的时刻，我们都明白一切了。谢谢你让我体会到了那一丝丝的温暖。

梦醒了，路，还是就自己走完的。过客，他始终还是个过客，可能只是比较熟悉的过客。。。

Happystar

Game Over

Its the ENDDDD! Finallehhhh, everything has comes to an end. I get to rest after like 2 years? And yes, is my REST time so I do not expect anyone to disturb me. Hahahaha. The feeling is soooo good. When you realized that what you have been stressing on for the past few months or maybe years finally gone, I can't really describe the HAPPINESS, FREEDOM and etc...

The stress started since 2019 when I was forced to deal with client on my own for the very first time. I knew nothing, seriously, NOTHING. I still remembered I kept looking at PY AWP trying hard to figure out a way to explain but I couldn't. End up, I kept begging client to teach me. I don't mind the scolding, as long as you are willing to teach me, I can take it. That was what I told myself that time. I have to do it, no matter what 'cause I got no one to rely on. No seniors, no manager and what made it worse was this was a second year client. 

Thing started to get worse when I knew that I am going to be the Group Senior-in-charge for a 17 subsidiaries engagement. I was so stressed to the extend that I started to worry about it like 6 months before it actually started. I chased my juniors for the status of subsi every week, forcing them to complete ASAP so that I can start doing my consolidation. The whole process was so TIRING and DE-motivating. 'Cause whenever there was something happened to the subsi, my manager will force me to resolve it on my own, and explained them to partner. Yes, I have to come out with so many idea just to get thing done. I'm tired, super tired. I told myself that this is the LAST, MY LAST ENGAGEMENT. Sorry that I quit after this, NO MORE. 

And that's it. GAME OVER! And I managed to get my supervisor title. Its the end. That audit journey has comes to an end and supervisor is the last stop. I don't want to be promoted to any position higher 'cause I don't think I am capable enough to be a manager. In term of knowledge and experience, I seriously think that I am still lacking in every and any way. I am not very good in negotiating fees with client, I am not very sociable when it comes to build and maintain good relationship with client. I don't, seriously.

I am happy that I actually get to progress to supervisor but at the same time, I am scare of it. The title itself is a little too heavy for me. How do you expect me to fight against the other supervisor out there? How? And what makes it worse is I'm only 25, what can expect from a 25 youngster? You can't be expecting her to deal everything on her own right since she is so new to the society. I feel like I'm a baby trying hard to speak on my own but I failed. I keep having that thought that how do you expect me to be as good as other supervisor that are few years elder than me? How? I don't know, I start to have that fear, what if I cannot perform, what if...

I spoke to one of my client that I am really closed to few days back, I told her my thought. She used to be an auditor few years back and she told me age doesn't matter, your capabilities matter. I don't think I have that capabilities as well. I think all the while I am just lucky, I'm lucky that I was assigned to bad team that allowed me to fully grown and learnt on my own. It was hard at first but its getting more and more comfortable after that. I am lucky that I have a not responsible manager that will push me to the dead end whenever something happened. Because of this, I get to learn to survive, how to resolve thing last minutes. Is this something good? Hmm the process was seriously PAINFUL but I guess I learnt alot?

I feel kind of lost, I don't know what my future hold? What should I do? Continue or exit? Of course I will choose the later one. That's a promise that I made from the first day I entered the firm. 

I think it's time to go...

Happystar

 Gemini

Yes, that is my horoscope but I always thought that I do not portrait any traits of it 'cause my birthday is just 3 days before "Cancer" (the next horoscope) and my mum used to tell me that I'm supposed to born few weeks later (from my birthday) so.. that pretty much explain my thought. 

BUT BUT, starting from 2021, I started to realise I did have the major trait of Gemini, which is "the TWIN". They used to say that Gemini baby has dual personalities but they don't show both to anyone. If you happen to be the lucky one to seen both, then maybe you are one of the closest persons to him. I did realise that I have these dual personalities...

故事的源头该从哪儿说起。。。

从这个peak开始吧！今年我学乖了，学会保护自己了，慢慢地发现自己那层彩虹的保护色。也许这个保护色一早已经存在，但它并不明显。经过那么多的磨练，那么多的伤害，它慢慢地develop了，慢慢地加强了它的防护能力。

我把我的两个engagements如愿以偿地交给了我的junior，在我预料之内，他就 每天埋怨自己的workload太多，埋怨senior可以休息为什么他不能，埋怨为什么他每个weekend都要工作。。。你凭什么埋怨，你有那个资格跟我 比较吗？你凭什么，你拿什么和我比？休息？去年我在挣扎时，你在哪里？我需要帮忙时，你又在哪里？你帮上忙了吗？没有，你什么都没做，躲起来，选择什么都听不见。我从你身上学会了这些，学以致用，在今年发挥得淋漓尽致。属于你的engagement，我选择装没听见，不知道，不明白。你一直缠着我，每天询问我怎么做怎么办，我只回你一句，你去explore就明白了，再不明白，去问manager，我不明白。你不死心，每个meeting都把我拉进去听，要我给予意见，可是我却把我自己mute掉，专心地继续我手上的工作，不要听，不要懂。我凭什么帮你，你帮我了吗？若你去年有助我一臂之力，也许我还能知恩图报，你选择了不闻不问，我也只能袖手旁观。

你向manager complain senior 没有帮你，这么无知的举动，也只有幼稚的你才会。没关系，我的心已经训练得刀枪不入，不怕你投诉，反正撇在心里是挺不舒服的，说出来也不赖。Manager 找我来对话，我告诉他，有些问题很简单，必须让你好好思考，好好磨练，我坦白地告诉了他，我不喜欢你从来不动脑子就来跟我要答案，然后解决了credit 由你 claim。我也不知哪来的勇气告诉他，可是我觉得我应该向他表明我的立场。我说了不帮就不帮。你必须为你去年做过的决定买单。天下没有白吃的午餐，尤其我是你的senior，我从来就没有说过我是君子，我必须承认我是小人，有仇必报，不是不报，只是时机未到。

He tried to follow my footsteps later on and hinting me that he won't be joining any of my engagements' meeting but I turned around telling my manager that he will only need to invite me (alone) to all my engagements' meeting. After all, I don't see the purpose of letting my juniors to join the meeting since they are not contributing anything. Unless they asked, if not I will not get them involved in anything. I have made up my mind, I want to, I HAVE TO leave after this year June. Whatever thing that they don't want to learn now, I will make sure they suffer on their own next year. I gave up, seriously, what's the purposes of pushing them so hard but they don't even want to learn. After all, I only have few more months left and if you want to learn then ask, if you don't, then explore on your own. 

When it comes to feedback session,  my manager actually asked me whether the juniors are ready to be promoted to senior this round, I was pretty shocked (on myself) that I gave him this answer..

"Is not the problem whether they are ready or not, but is the fact that they need to be promoted to learn how to be more responsible. If they are stuck at this rank, I can confirm that they will have the mindset that they are still juniors and therefore senior will have to cover them on anything. Nobody is ready or even born to be senior, they are forced to become one. Everyone will struggle and this is a normal process. When they have to, they have to. "

YES, I TOLD HIM THIS. Exactly, every single word. I think I have came to point where I am really frustrated about them. Don't want to work, don't want to learn and push all the responsibilities to senior. Your senior is not superman that can solve everything, they are human too! Wait till you become one, you will understand. I told my manager this and he kept quiet. I guess he was shocked when he heard my reply. Hahahaa. His concern is he doesn't want to promote them when they are not ready, 'cause in the end if they are promoted to become senior, they will have to lead the engagement and this is where he will get his "heart attack" from reviewing their work and seeing how they managed the client. BUT from my perspective, I would want them to be promoted because once they are promoted, they are considered as" senior" and they gotta act like one. They have to be independence on their own and resolve everything on their own. After all, I got few more months left, so whether or not they can resolve their own issue, is none of my business (I QUIT). 

My manager asked me stay for another year until he retire (he is retiring next year) but I told him directly I won't. Sorry to say that for the sake of my health and life, I won't. I have made up my mind that I gotta go, I have to go. I understand that you want to stay because you need me to lead all the engagements for the last time but I don't want. I am really tired to fight everything on my own. NO, I MEAN NOT ANYMORE. I cannot imagine working with you another year and this is the end.

Who will struggle next year, whether or not the juniors can manage the client, I will leave all to you. This is none of my business and I don't want to know. After all, once I exit this, I will change my number. 你怎么对待我，我就怎么回报你。你知道吗，世上最难搞的人不是那些判死刑的人，而是那些对生活已经绝望，不怕被判死刑的人，因为他们什么都不怕。办公职业也一样，最难搞的是那些对上司已经绝望，不怕你辞退他的人，因为你很需要他们，可是他们却从来都不需要你。。。

早知如此，何必当初。这话我送你的。

Happystar

The Year of Rat

Yes, that's right, the year of rat and I'm the rat. I used to be the little girl hoping the next "Rat Year" will come as soon as possible 'cause by the time I hit 24, I will be independence on my own. Pay my own bills, buy my own clothes, do whatever I like. But that is just a joke, a childish joke that I ever told myself. There's no such thing as do whatever I like. Just look at me now, I feel like a robot being controlled by my manager and juniors all the time and sometimes I even forgotten that I'm under their controlled. The feeling sucks, seriously. 

Chinese used to believe that when it reaches your year (your zodiac year), you will experience so called "犯太岁". Don't really know how to explain it but it's basically a bad thing that will happen once every 12 years? I guess I have hit the bottom this year. I have experienced all the unlucky things throughout the whole year. Starting from being involved in a serious car accident right before Chinese New Year and that was really really my first time experienced this. Before I can even react to it, my car already hit on the car infront and I'm sandwiched between a big car (I'm really bad in naming the car model) and a lorry. I was so shocked that I don't even know how to react. My car was badly damaged and I was forced to skip work for the entire day. And and what made it worse was I was actually the senior-in-charge for that engagement, which meant that skipping a day would make alot of difference. 

Next, all of the supervisors in my team LEFT after getting their bonus. They did lead few jobs before this but after they left, these jobs were passed to me, ALONE. I tried to reach out to my manager telling him I can't handle 4 engagements at a time but all he said was "What to do, you have to do". What a CRAP! I have to do, I have to do, I have to do. Yes I know, I have to do but I did asked one of my juniors to help out on drafting the accounts but he did NOTHING. Seriously nothing! I'm telling you I'm fighting everything on my own and I have no one to back me up. The feeling is so so terrible that I would never ever ever want to experience again. Slept at 4am every day and struggling to wake up at 7am the very next day. I felt like dying and sometimes these pressure have caused me insomnia problem, for months. I cried everyday, every night, silently, to express my fear, my anger and the pain. I have experienced serious gastric and insomnia problem because of work. Sometimes I feel like I can't really breathe anymore, this mental stress is eating up every bits of me. 

Third, the COVID issue and this issue is creating lots of problem. Because of this, we were forced to work from home for months and that was the most "darkest" months in my entire life. Obviously work from home meaning that I would have to standby 24/7 and I would need to work for longer hours because I have so many deadline to meet. Meeting, conference call and skype call every single day with my manager and partner just to resolve every single issues so that we are able to meet the deadline. I seriously did not mind to work overtime but I really hate the feeling of I work so hard but in the end my manager still put the blame on me saying that I did not put any effort on my own. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I NEED TO "BRAINWASH" MYSELF TO STAY CALM WHEN I FACE THE ALL THE ISSUES? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE FEAR OF NOBODY TO RELY OR ASK ON? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? NOOO, and all you did were to jump to a conclusion saying that I did not put any effort. Now justify to me, which part I did not put effort? When I asked you something, you told me you don't know, then how do you want me to do? If you as a manager don't even know how to do, then please don't expect too much from your staff. You're seriously too demanding. What if this scenario happen to your son, how do you feel as a father? TELL ME HOW! 

Forth, my junior's problem. So, I have this very special junior that does not even want to do anything but he demands for good rating and good feedback. Do you think this makes any sense? NO, definitely NO. Sorry that I take feedback seriously. When I asked him for help, he turned around saying that I have transferred my debt to him, why not you define to me what do you mean by "transferring the debt"? Are you trying to say you are not supposed to help me out on anything or you are not supposed to do this? Say it to my face, which one? For whatever choice you pick today, bear that in your mind and I'm going to apply this to your future. Remember, TO YOUR FUTURE 'cause I seriously believe that one day, you will need to experience this and that time, I will tell you the same thing. Please, karma do happen. So he basically did small part of the draft and I happened to take over everything after I managed to meet all the deadline for my other 3 engagements. Seriously, after months, you still do nothing? So what have you done for these few months? You deserve a scold but nobody knows. I happened to complain this to my manager but no action taken. Until the extend that I have a mental breakdown and I cried infront my dad saying that I can no longer take in anymore, my dad called my manager immediately and they have a talk which I prefer not to listen to anything. After this, this junior questioning me on did I complain to anyone that he did not do anything? Why not you ask yourself have you done anything? Have you help out on anything? Did you ever reflect? Stop complaining, start reflecting. 

Fifth, you know when something big happen, the first thing they will say are: cut bonus and cut promotion. Yes that's what the corporate world should be. And I definitely cannot find a perfect reason to define that why can't I promote this round? I have experienced all these shit for months that I even scarified my health for this and you are telling me no promotion because of tough economic situation. Tough? Define please. Since when we did stop our work? From MCO until now, we have been struggling to meet all the deadline and our work never wait for us, in any way and every way. Do you think this is fair? No, nothing is fair. I understand this concept. Never, the world always rewarding the lazy one but neglecting the hardworking one, this is the rule so play it wise. 

Please please. 2020 please get over soon. I have been waiting for it to over so desperately. 'Cause is definitely not my year. I beg for your kindness to please let me go, let me experience some peace for the rest of the months, please. 

Happystar

Reflection

I can't believe that I'm actually updating my blog in the midst of peak... Hmm maybe this is the only way for me to express myself, probably. I'm never good in expressing myself, pleasing others to listen to my complains, but I guess I'm pretty good when it comes to words. I always tell myself that write out all my thoughts, you don't need somebody to be at your side all the time. You are independence on your own. Write it out so that you can read it in future, then you can start to laugh at yourself being so innocent and naive in the past. Time will heal, eventually and you will start to forget, bits by bits, those painful memories are not that painful anymore when you can start talked jokes on it. That's how I tell myself everytime I cried, silently. 

Is this really what I want? Being fully occupied with my work and not having enough time for family, friends and probably love one? Is this the life I'm looking forward to? Definitely NO! I used to be the little girl that care more about my make up, starring at the mirror telling myself to put more foundation to make my skin look fairer. But what happen to me now, I don't even have the time to look at my make up, one big drop on my palm, pat it on my face and I'm ready to go. Is this something that I should sacrifice? NO, definitely. I'm here only for work during working hours, after working hours, I'm done, I'm seriously done! Not replying any calls and messages, not bother to look at my junior's works after working hours, NOOOO. That's what I told myself for the past few weeks. I should have my own time. Spending money on the thing I like, spending time with the person I want. 

I hate the feeling of "am I really not a good senior"? I tend to reflect alot, I overthink, most of the time. I pity my juniors for the heavy workload. But that again, I have gone through what they are going through now for the past few years and that earned me the title of "Senior". My senior don't even bother to ask me if I can finish my work on time or not, they just instructed me to finish and let manager to review. Am I supposed to change this culture or should I just follow the culture? If I changed, I will end up spoon-feeding my juniors and me myself will be the one dying. What should I do, I seriously have no idea. This parts are stressing me up most of the time, even if I don't show it physically. This stress is killing me slowly. I happened to wake up in the middle of the night thinking of my juniors can't finish his workload and I will be the one to blame in the end. My manager blamed me for not taking good care of the entire team and my juniors blamed me for giving them too much work...

What should I do? I am not good at leadership and I'm never good at it. My manager is building such high expectation on me and he starts to throw everything to me. When I told him that I don't even know how to do, then he starts to grumble. He did explained to me but the WORST thing is, I don't even understand what he is explaining. I tried so hard to understand, spending so much time to analyse what is he trying to say, but ended up I only get to understand parts of it. I don't even know how to tell him what I don't understand 'cause I can't start, there's alot. Seriously!

My junior has been telling me that he is going to resign soon, exiting this toxic environment, he is indirectly telling me that I'll be the only one that are going to clean up this mess. This MESS? I'm not the one creating it but I 'm forced to clean it up. I don't understand, why can't people just be more responsible toward their work? Why can't they just spend their time to do what they are supposed to do and not rely on anybody else to help him? That's what I told myself, all the time. "You are responsible for whatever thing that you have done". Am I being too "overly responsible", well, in this case, I think the answer should be a YES.

Leaving? Is it only you can think of leaving but not me? Pleaseeeee I think of exiting more desperately than you. After all, I think that I have more capabilities than you, in term of knowledge, responsibility and quality, I think that I'm way better than you. Is not that I don't want to leave, is just that I know when am I supposed to leave. I got that one last thing to learn from this peak and after that I'm done. But speaking of peak, I start to worry. No one is backing me up, no one is helping me out, I've NOBODY, seriously nobody. Juniors are not playing the roles they are supposed to do; Manager is not guiding me like what he supposed to do and I've no senior. Is definitely a miracle for me to survive. If I managed to survive, I will request to exit this mess. If and only if. 

If I didn't manage to survive....   please give me the courage to go